Attitude and Politics in Mauritius

I am writing this blog post, further to a recent experience that I have had during the week. The experience was disagreeable, and it took me a lot of time to accept and to understand the why and how behind what happened to me.

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A couple of days ago, I had an argument with a friend of mine, further to a series of useless disagreements, for which I was the only culprit. I had a lot of difficulties at first to accept whatever my friend proposed to me, and to be honest, I didn’t act positively. Instead of taking my time to accept what my friend recommended me, I was boiling deep inside myself, since I had the impression to have been violated in my own ideas, whereas in reality my friend had some reasons for disagreeing with me. Also, instead of reacting positively and constructively as per my friend’s choices, I let the negative attitude enveloping me, and I reacted by writing an email with a lot of rubbish and nonsense arguments where I explained to my friend why I disagreed with him and why I wanted to remain on my own position.

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My friend read my email and was very unhappy about what I wrote. He frankly told me that he didn’t appreciate my email at all and warned me that if I keep on having a negative attitude, I will retrieve myself with a lot of doors closed and people getting away from me. This is unfortunately the kind of reproach that I keep on having all the time from my husband even in my daily life, and unfortunately the bad example that I obtained from my parents during all my childhood. We always say that example comes from the top, don’t we? I was raised in a big house, with chauffeur, maids, gardeners and almost never experienced travelling by bus, except when I started university and when I started working and having my financial independence. Moreover, my parents unfortunately were always capricious, however it would be my mother or my father. They were proud, arrogant, megalomaniac and were sore losers each time they were wrong, since they never wanted to accept their faults nor their mistakes and always wanted to be right all the time. They were also of bad faith when they refused to face the reality of life or anything unexpected. Unfortunately, not only they were like that, but they also brought me up to become like that. That was why I never had friends at school and repulsing a lot of people around me for years, since I was adopting a very bad attitude wherever I was going, and even brought a lot of bad luck around me because of that bad attitude.

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Even after marriage, unfortunately I kept on having that bad attitude, and it shut so many doors around me, starting with society and opportunities to have a social life and a good career. I always tended to be negative and to put all the wrongs on other people when they disagreed with me or were against me. I never understood how my husband, who was much more mature than me and wiser than me, could remain silent and indifferent when there were some people barking against him, however it could be at work, in society, in his family background or anywhere else. For my part, I admit I am still the one who talks louder, who barks louder than my adversary, who always wants to be right and who always fights with a lot of sound instead of being a silent warrior. I admit that when it comes on attitude, I still need a lot to learn about it and to work extremely hard when it comes on having a good attitude.

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However, just after my friend put me back in the right place, it was as if I received an electroshock on me, and I suddenly realized that I was completely wrong and that I have talked a lot of rubbish for nothing, and that all that mess could have been avoided if, instead of barking my frustration in that email, I either asked my friend questions if I doubted about something I don’t understand, or take more time to calm down and to find out the answers to the unasked questions that were floating in my mind regarding my friend’s opinion. Only God knows the numerous times that I approached my friend, either by email or on WhatsApp to apologize, to recognize the mistake of my words and especially of my thoughts and to agree with what he proposed to me. I am feeling very bad that I realized my mistake unfortunately too late and that I let the shot going. Unfortunately, this is in that kind of school that I have been raised because of my parents and I passively repeated the same bad attitude in my new family each time that I disagree with my husband especially when I am wrong! Even my young son disagrees with me and always begs me to stop creating so much havoc in the house, since he cannot stand the both of us fighting uselessly, and he is right.

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Like I mentioned as a comment of a video published by a local celebrity of my country, there is no age to be a good leader. These were only words, but unfortunately I was unable to put those same words in practice when it came about my own life. When I think about the way I was raised by my parents, I came on a conclusion that is unfortunately true: Example doesn’t always come from the top, sometimes it should also come from the bottom. The top represents our elders and all the ones who are still governing the country, whereas the bottom represents the Mauritian youth of today and of tomorrow. I still remember a quote that someone wrote on all his social platforms where he mentioned “Behave yourselves, Politicians. The Youth are watching”. If the governance is good, definitely the society will be good, but if the governance is bad, the society will be bad. There will be so many blind followers who will passively have the same negative attitude as their governors, and very few will have the courage and the guts to rebel and show their rights to fight against the governors’ mistakes, under pain of masquerading as the bad ones. And if the government will act as dictators towards its people, in case one of its people dares acting against the government, instead of being considered as a hero, he or she will be the biggest villain for the government, which won’t hesitate to blacken their opponent’s bravery for naming and shaming their bad actions. All this, because those who are on the top show a very negative attitude towards their people, and also in such circumstances, their will be a few courageous souls who will have the courage to dispatch themselves from the government’s oppression on them and create their own journey to positive attitude to inspire other people.

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When I left Mauritius for a new life overseas, unfortunately I didn’t leave Mauritius with a positive image of the country. My husband and I returned from Madagascar after we spent more than 4 years of expatriation there, and we have been staying back in Mauritius for more than 3 years, which gave us the time to have a child and to have our new house. However, during that period, it was incredible how the mores in Mauritius degraded so much, despite the economic boom in the country! Each time that we were opening the newspapers, there were only murders, crimes, sexual assaults, drug deals, corruption, social insecurity, poverty, etc. These were things that I never experienced before when I was still residing in Mauritius before marriage. During that period, Mauritius was a true paradise where it was so good to live and where every citizen was feeling at home. There was respect for elders, safety everywhere, family spirit, good neighborhood and socialization, good mores, economic boom, education for everyone and especially simplicity of life. But all those good things existed under a good governance, which unfortunately degraded through the years and through changes of governance, including at its head so many members with controversial historical facts, which were published in our local newspapers, and which unfortunately inspired the Mauritians, especially the young generation, to follow that sad example they were showing, or to passively remain the silent and hopeless spectators of those controversial people’s destructive and shameful actions.

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In a more private environment, out of politics, example also is shown by our elders, by our bosses in the company we work for, by our teachers who educate our children, by the religious representatives who proclaim the Holy Word as per the religion they preach, etc. If our elders are leading a bad life without good principles, how do they want their children to become good future family members and inculcate the good values to their children as soon as they will turn adults? If our teachers misbehave, abuse on the pupils and don’t teach our kids properly the good things of education, how will our children have their degrees and diplomas as their passports for university and for having either a good job or creating their own business?

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Also, does the example really come from the top? Cannot it come also from the bottom? It can come from the bottom, but what is sad is that very few people believe in the power of youth and always underestimate the youth as the ones who don’t know anything, whereas elders overestimate themselves because of their age and the experience that they had in their lives. Someone once told me that age was just a number, and that the true age doesn’t depend on the number of physical years that you have, nor on the number of experiences that life challenges you, but on the lessons that you learn from your experiences of the past, and which bring you more maturity and wisdom. More and more youngsters are already gaining into experience, especially for those who do their personal construction themselves, since they see a lot of things that our elders aren’t able to see and that people of bad faith refuse to see. So why don’t we trust our youth too? Don’t they have their words to say? Why then do we underestimate the fact that the truth comes from children’s mouths then? Do we think that because we are older than our children, we detain all the keys to knowledge?

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Based on today’s educational level, I am very happy to notice that more and more schools overseas are adopting the fact that each child is unique. For my part, I am very satisfied that my son has the privilege to be considered as a unique child according to the education he is receiving actually in his school, like it’s the case for other children. As someone also once told me, life is a celebration and not a competition. I wish one day, in Mauritius, all schools start adapting that attitude, since it’s incredible how in all government schools, in work environment and social mores, the competition spirit is so ferocious! And how other children and adults always want to copy on others just for competing and being better than them and due to pure jealousy. A friend once told me that jealousy and competition are from the minds of the fool, since unfortunately a lot of people refuse to understand that happiness doesn’t knock at everyone’s door at the same time, and doesn’t appear in front of everyone’s door in the same shape. I love a quote that a friend of mine once shared with me, saying “Happiness is like a butterfly: The more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you start thinking about other things, it comes and softly sits upon your shoulder.” And the best key to happiness is to stop teaching competition and jealousy to our children when they are born, because they never take birth with that spirit, and shouldn’t let society influencing them to cultivate those two happiness and prosperity killers.

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ADHD… My daily struggle… My reason of fighting for success!

Hello everyone,

First of all I sincerely apologize for having been absent for such a long moment. I know that it’s been so many months that I haven’t written anything. And what is funny is that I didn’t lack inspiration at all. I had so many ideas, so many interesting subjects to develop and on which I had so much to write and to do researches about. I had discovered so many interesting articles through all my social platforms, through my husband’s Facebook account and through Internet research. I also had a lot of constructive conversations with some of my regular pals and relatives on which I wanted to get inspired to write things. I also found inspiration through some interesting personalities I have had the opportunity to discover via the web and via my social platforms. However, as crazy as it could sound, I haven’t written at all for months. It had nothing to do with the fact that I had a lot of responsibilities to achieve with my family, such as my son’s welfare and education, his scholarship, the time I have to spend with the house chores, cooking and with my family, the holiday plannings we had to go through during my son’s summer holidays, etc. I could very well, in a normal situation, afford all those situations perfectly and find time for myself to keep on completing my blog. But it wasn’t, and to be honest, it’s still not being the case. A couple of weeks later I came to discover that something was wrong with me and that it was time for me to reveal today the dark secret that represents a dangerous boundary to my writing skills and my capacities of using my personal skills, as well for my writing as for my daily responsibilities. And what is crazy is that I didn’t even need to look for a specialist to proceed with an assessment about my actual situation. Some online assessments were more than enough to reveal that dark secret of my personality. I hesitated a lot about revealing it publicly for a very long time. But this morning I had the courage to break the bundles and that heavy silence to reveal it once for all, because I have passed through very tough moments of mental breakdowns and even felt very depressive at times because of that. I also decided today to reveal it openly, because I came to understand that this could be an explanation to my actual situation, and I decided through my projects not to make of it anymore an excuse for letting it go, but as a challenge for myself to recover and to prove to myself and to the whole world that I am stronger than I think and that I can destroy that dark secret since I already have the necessary weapons with me to destroy it. That dark secret is that I suffer from a mental disorder, which I came to discover unfortunately very late in my life, but which started developing through my first years between the middle of my teenage years and the beginning of my adulthood years when I left secondary school, and on which I took conscience of its existence too late and only a couple of months ago: Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, shortly known as ADHD.

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I downloaded an application on my mobile from Google Play, “Aware”, which contains a series of questionnaires about several types of mental disorders that medically exist. I answered to all of them, but what was crazy was that despite the results that I obtained in percentage, the explanations that I obtained through deeper researches didn’t match at all with the results I obtained, since I didn’t recognize myself in any of those mental disorders though I admit I had some symptoms of them. However, only the researches that I made on ADHD perfectly matched with my personal problem. To start, here is the first definition I obtained from that application on my mental situation: ADHD, or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, is a medical condition that affects how well someone can sit still, focus and pay attention. People with ADHD have differences in the parts of their brains that control attention and activity. This means that they may have trouble focusing on some tasks and subjects.

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ADHD was and still is unfortunately the cause behind a series of so many fights that I have had with my husband because of my indiscipline behavior which is actually endangering my marital life and even the example that I am giving to our own child, who is actually suffering with Autism Spectrum Disorder. All started on a specific evening, during which I had a big fight with my husband because we came back home very late from the swimming pool, my son and me, and my husband was very angry at me for not having properly managed the time that I would let my son going to the swimming pool. I tried to keep calm and to reassure him that I was sorry and that I would be more careful next time, whereas in the contrary, I am used to scream a lot and to create a lot of havoc each time that my husband disagrees with me, whether he may be right or wrong. Instead of calming down, my husband continued again and again making moral lessons to me, all this because according to him, he noticed that all the time I repeat that I will be careful, but afterwards, I do all the contrary and I don’t manage my time properly. Another thing on which I am extremely terrified with my husband is that I don’t know whether I should tell him yes and obey, or say no and walk as per my own way. If I say yes, I very often tend to do all the contrary of what he expects from me, because I say yes either because I am afraid of his reactions, or only so that my husband would leave me alone. And if I say no, instead of appreciating my honesty, my husband keeps on being angry after me, and because of that, I don’t know even what to do and I am feeling completely lost. This is what I told him on that famous evening, but he refused to understand, and at a moment, fearing a violent reaction from me again, he went out with our son until things would calm down, leaving me alone with my own thoughts.

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I was having dinner, but my mind was completely absent though I was physically there. I could hear a soft voice talking to me in my mind. That gentle voice sounded like a female voice, which was as kind, soft and sweet as an angel’s voice. This voice was reassuring me that, compared to 12 years ago when I just got married, I have made a lot of progresses in life, since I am now able to manage the household, the house chores, my involvement into my child’s education including his extra activities and socialization, cooking good food, writing lots of strong material, cultivating myself etc. However, that voice confirmed that there was a big mental disorder within me and that I had to urgently follow a therapy, because it was a disorder which was unfortunately disturbing a lot of things within me and badly disturbing the marital relationship I cultivate with my husband since 12 years and with my child since 6 years.

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A couple of years ago, when I still had a Facebook account, there was a Moroccan pal on my Facebook list who mentioned to me that she was suffering with ADHD. I didn’t really pay attention to her disease and thought that it didn’t concern me. But when I did some researches about that disorder, even though I started having some doubts a couple of months ago that I could be concerned about ADHD too, almost all the symptoms which were described in that disorder confirmed exactly what I feared… And yes, the results of my researches proved them all: I have ADHD and at a quite high level as it covers almost all the symptoms that I actually am suffering from!

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When my husband and my son came home, I burst in tears and I mentioned to them the nature of my problem, which was something that I suspected suffering from since a couple of months, but for which I didn’t really pay attention. Either I didn’t want to accept that I had the problem, or I accepted that I had the problem but I feared any negative reaction from my husband, especially misunderstanding. And effectively, my husband refused to believe me and I begged him to pay attention to the symptoms, through some articles that I have shared with him, and which I hope he will find time to read during his day. Today unfortunately, my husband still ignores the symptoms since he didn’t have time to consult the articles that I shared with him, and which make that I need to talk about my symptoms with him myself. However he believes in me now that he knows that I am really suffering but unfortunately he cannot do anything for me. The trouble also is that here, the treatments are very expensive and are not covered by the insurance, which makes that I need to deal with it on my own.

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Here are the difficulties I face everyday and which represent signs that I have ADHD, and which are within my personality:

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Follow directions: I agree because I have a very weak sense of orientation wherever I go and I get easily lost, especially in big spaces like big shopping malls. One day in South Africa, while I was on holidays with my folks and my husband, and some other days in shopping malls here, I got lost since I don’t have the sense of orientation. But the latest episode was the worst one! On that day I was mentally very down after my husband and I got extremely angry against our young son, who misbehaved a lot on that day at the shopping mall. We stopped at a cafe for a hot drink before going back to our car with our shopping bags, but at a moment my husband asked my son to come with him until I would finish my hot drink. I saw them going away, but I cannot understand what could have happened in my mind on that day, since I didn’t even pay attention wherever they were going. I was no more sure if they were going to the parking or somewhere else and I retrieved myself in a big moment of confusion and total loss. The worst was that I didn’t have any communication facility with me since my mobile battery was completely down, as I forgot to recharge it before leaving the house. At a moment my husband and my son were totally out of sight and the first thing that came out of my mind was that maybe they were on their way to the parking. As we always park our car to the same location all the time, I could easily find my way to the car. But at my biggest surprise, they were not there and then I started to panic heavily! I came back on my footsteps and begged a staff from a furniture shop to lend me his mobile number since I needed to call my husband in emergency. He dialed my husband’s number and then I could contact him. By coincidence my husband also was panicking since he didn’t find me, and asked me with a panicking voice where I was. Then when I explained him my location he asked me not to move from my actual location and to wait for him. Then, when he got closer he called me back on the gentleman’s mobile number and then I joined him. We were all reassured to retrieve each other and I explained him in which state of mind I was and how my son’s misbehavior stressed me to the core.

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Remember information: Yes, so many times I forget a lot of essential things, and I must always note them down to remember them properly. I noticed that when I make a planning such as the list of stuffs to buy at the groceries, or the dates I menstruated or forgot to take some pills, etc, I feel better organized than when I use only my head. But I tend to plan things only on specific days or for specific events or lists to do only and it really works. But when it comes on ordinary routine days I never feel the motivation to do it and it unfortunately plays against me.

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Concentrate: Yes I easily get distracted and face huge problems of concentration, however it may be in my chores and daily do’s, or with music. I can be easily distracted when I hear again and again my favorite song or watch my favorite movie or serial on laptop or TV, and also it’s dangerous since I don’t care whether there is my son waiting for me or, even though it almost didn’t happen in the past, forgetting something being cooked on the oven! I also get very easily distracted when I see babies in front of me.

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Organize tasks: Yes I am extremely disorganized, I admit it. I include too many “dead times” in my agenda because I don’t know why, but I LOVE wasting time with social networking, with doing researches on the internet, with reading and writing, which represent a passion for me that I cannot help but cultivating. It became a drug for me since it’s my biggest refuge where I forget all my problems and overcome all my sorrows much better, including when I write constructive emails with my best friend, who is a British French author, writer, traveler and coach whom I acknowledged on LinkedIn. Also, my house chores, looking after my son, cooking food, all the tasks that any responsible housewife and mother should do, turns now into a nightmare for me, because I don’t want to do those chores and want to be totally free! Yes I know it sounds weird, but this is the impression I always had.

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Finish work on time: Yes I have difficulties finishing work on time, for the same reasons regarding concentration and organization problems that I face everyday, and I very often tend to finish all my tasks at the last minute before my husband comes home or before I go out with my son to the shopping mall or to the swimming pool. When I finish my tasks early, I feel strange because this is not me, and when I finish my task late, I feel stressed and guilty, because in reality, I don’t do my daily chores with pleasure, but rather with fear of facing an avalanche of reproaches and sarcastic remarks from my husband, who is straight-minded, down to earth and extremely well organized, all the contrary of me who is messy, forgetful and dreamy…
The article that I found also lists a series of challenges that I have to face with Adult ADHD:

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Anxiety: Yes, I am all the time anxious, because my anxiety mostly refers to all the traumatic experiences I have been having with my family, in-laws, in my marriage, in society, in the work environment and with a lot of fake friends who abused of me.

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Chronic boredom: Yes I admit it, I get bored very easily when I see that I face situations which are starting to become repetitive too often. I am actually bored because all my days are all the same with the chores, cooking, visiting the same places, travelling in the same countries all the time between Mauritius and France because of my husband’s family, meeting all the time the same people, etc. I have right now within me that anger for constant change and for discovering new things and that is why I am bored in life.

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Chronic lateness and forgetfulness: This confirms exactly the same problem I mentioned previously regarding my problems of concentration, organization and having my tasks finished on time. I always have the temptation about finishing everything at the very last hour and at the end I feel unsatisfied for having lost so much time uselessly, thinking that the next day it would be better. Unfortunately it restarts again and again and I don’t know what to do.

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Depression: Yes. I have faced very severe depression, especially in 2003 when I had faced a very bad working experience with one of my ex-bosses who was an asshole. I faced the same problem in 2007 further to a huge fight between my parents and my in-laws, and which still remains unsolved and forced me to cut total contact with my parents, even though my parents had unfortunately a part of right which I had to accept within the time. I also faced the same problem in 2011 after the birth of my unique child, since I have been suffering from post natal depression and have been raising my child in a very insane environment at my in-laws place, where I was all the time bullied and mistreated by all my in-laws and by even my husband and some of our closest friends who unfortunately gave me up in those moments where I needed them the most.

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Trouble concentrating while reading: Yes so many times it happened to me, especially if my mind was elsewhere than with my book reading or while I am writing, for example in situations where my son was with me and that I had to have an eye on him, for example at the swimming pool or at the playroom in the shopping mall.

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Trouble controlling anger: It started especially in 2014 while I was still in Seychelles, since I started breaking years and years of silent suffering caused by the brutal separation between my parents and my in-laws, the injustice that I had to face because of that separation, the bullying I faced with my in-laws because of my parents, the discrimination they were doing by starting to favor my sister-in-law and rejecting me because of my parents, finding my sister-in-law the perfect daughter-in-law of the family and me the incomplete one, dis-balance in my marriage life since we came back from the peaceful life we were living in Madagascar and retrieved ourselves into a huge tornado when we came back to Mauritius further to the socio political crisis of 2009 with problems of re-adaptation, family pressure from both sides since I was not talking to my mother anymore, over-pressure from my in-laws who were extremely exigent with me since I had no experience as a housewife, medical treatments I was following to be pregnant and to fight against severe endometriosis to be able to infant, the trauma of the experience I had with my in-laws after my son was born, the numerous times that my in-laws interfered, and this I admit with my own consent since I was so stupid and naive during that period, between me and my son, depriving me of my right to be a mother, 8 changes of home, 3 changes of countries and culture, difficulties to cope with my son’s education, the big aggressiveness that started developing within me and which didn’t exist in the past in my temperament, where very often I lost my temper and started screaming like a wild animal when I was angry, until it traumatized my poor little son, and for crowning the whole story, my poor child starting to develop signs of Autism Spectrum Disorder and who was diagnosed when we arrived in our new homeland! But to be honest, I arrived at a point where I didn’t want to overcome my anger because I have been controlling my angers for a too long time. I still have that angry demon within me who wants to rebel and to push me destroying my enemies in the same way Hindu Goddess Kali does to destroy enmity. But little by little I am slowly learning that anger will never change anything apart making things worse and making me stooping lower.

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Problems at work: The trouble was that I had to start working when I came back to Mauritius. I never wanted to do any studies in the tertiary sector. I wanted to have full academic qualifications in Literature and creative writing. Unfortunately, after I finished the Brevet des Colleges in 1995, my level started degrading, and the biggest factor behind it was my mother, who was over-pressurizing me a lot in my home work and who was bullying and terrorizing me a lot, at such a point that I started loosing confidence within my own capacities and doubting a lot about myself because of her. When I finished the Brevet des Colleges, I started a new school year named Seconde Amenagee, which is a special program on 2 years for students facing school difficulties. As from that moment, I had the courage to tell my mother that I didn’t want her anymore to help me in my homework and that I will manage alone. Unfortunately, when I finished my Seconde Amenagee, I had choices only with doing a Baccalaureate Action et Communication Commerciale, or a Baccalaureat Comptabilite et Gestion, and I chose the second option. Unfortunately, when I started my Premiere, I had to repeat it again because I had difficulties with the Comptabilite et Gestion and started too late taking tuitions with a school teacher. But when I repeated the class, then I continued my tuition with her for the two forthcoming years and that was of great help for me, even though I only had the mention “Satisfactory” for my Baccalaureate. I continued also studying as I applied for a BTS Assistant de Gestion PME PMI in Mauritius, since I didn’t want to leave the country to go to France. I was scared to go to France, since my godmother, who was also my patriarchal half-sister, went to study medicine there, but was bullied so much by my matriarchal family who was living in France that she couldn’t survive the overpressure and she died at only 26 years old after having been graduated and after having been engaged to a French doctor there. Moreover, my mother was obsessed by having me married to a French guy since she was always obsessed with White people and fair skinned people, and God knows how I succeeded into resisting to all that pressure though very often I cried alone in my room and was extremely nervous and even turned anorexic. My marriage with my husband unfortunately didn’t arrange anything since my husband never matched with the kind of son-in-law my mother wanted to have in her life, as he didn’t satisfy her ego at all. And when I was in Madagascar, even though the Malagasy work environment was based mostly on the French curriculum, and though I could obtained my BTS though my average note for the final exam was 10 out of 20, which represented the big minimum I could obtain for obtaining my BTS, I had a lot of difficulties to assume my professional capacities, and my working competence was average in some sectors, and very poor and unproductive in some other sectors which I failed into understanding. Also I completely stopped working for that company though I was at home doing some administrative tasks for a friend, and I involved myself in Mauritius into a very dishonest chain of distribution for which I have lost a lot of money. My professional experience unfortunately was very unsuccessful even though my colleagues appreciated a lot my personality, and with a lot of retreat, I came to understand that I was never made for that kind of job, but that my job was much more for literature and creative writing. I am taking all my chances with me to restart everything from scratch, but it’s hard for me to do so with a child and a household under my responsibility and I fail into knowing how to manage my time and fight against ADHD.

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Impulsiveness: Same problem as for trouble controlling anger, since all the anger that I have been containing after so many years of silence is already emerging from me. But that image that I added attracted my attention for its subtitle “The good, the bad and the awesome”. How could impulsiveness be something good, bad and awesome at the same time? I was then referred to an article linked with that picture, where the author of that article related about an impulsiveness experience that he had lived. He judged impulsiveness as something “Good” first, since it’s a possibility for one individual to express enthusiasm when he or she has new ideas being structured. Impulsiveness can also be bad since it’s impossible to stick on the same things all the time when you work on a project or when you plan something for your own or with your loved ones. And this happened to me and is still happening to me so many times. The trouble with me is that I hate when plans made together change every 5 minutes and unexpectedly. This was exactly what happened each time that I planned to meet my best friend a couple of months ago in Paris, since my husband’s uncle and my son were constantly making us changing our plans, my uncle due to unexpected events which he tended to impose on our schedule, and my son due to his childish behaviour and requests. When it comes on such unexpected stuffs coming from other people I can feel extremely irritated and pissed off, since I hate last minute changes and always failed to deal with them calmly. But when it comes about unexpected changes coming directly from me, then I am more flexible and tolerant. Finally, as the author said, impulsiveness can be something awesome, and for this we have to make it awesome ourselves. In his article, the author gave some interesting advice based on his motto that he shared with us: we use the good, cut out the bad, and therefore make it awesome.

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Low tolerance for frustration: I never really knew what it meant until I saw the explanation above, but yes definitely, I am somebody very frustrated with my own life when I think about all the failures I accumulated, the big mistakes that I did in my life, the numerous times I failed into taking opportunities which were presented in front of me because I was afraid or couldn’t afford them, the numerous failures I faced with my insane parents, my insane family and with some of my in-laws, but which suddenly turned into a will for me to restart everything from scratch for better succeeding in life and being happy doing a career that I want to do and which would allow me finding a better balance in my life.

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Low self-esteem: Yes, for the same reasons as for low tolerance and frustration, and so many times I really hate myself for what I am, for having become what others want me to be and for not being what I really wanted to become. And yet, so many times I feel that I am awesome and wonderful, and so many times I tried to fall again in love with myself. But those moments never happened in reality but only in my imagination. I imagined myself in front of my mirror as a successful writer in prom dress receiving a prize for her best sellers. I very often imagined myself as a talented musician, since I always cultivated passion for percussion and violin, and dressed all in red, my favorite color. I imagined myself also as a rock singer in black leather boots and sexy mini dress, singing with a cymbal in my hand in front of so many of my loved ones. But when reality comes back into my mind, I feel completely different, stupid and ugly, though I know that I have so many skills to shine in my life. This low self-esteem unfortunately is a result from my tumultuous past because of my parents, who never saw the best in me, who always saw the ugly in me and who were narcissistic, egocentric sociopaths who raised me as a golden child and thanks to whom I always have the feeling of being a huge failure for everyone, starting with myself and my little family. If you want to have a clue of what a golden child is, here is a picture below, and which proves that being a golden child is NOT a position to envy and that it’s a very difficult family educational disorder from which you can recover:

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Mood swings: Yes, I have very often mood swings, since I can be very happy and in a fraction of second I can turn to be like hell, or extremely peevish without any concrete reason.

Poor organization skills: Same thing as I said previously with problems of concentration and organization.

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Procrastination and self-harm: I do it since I am a child, by biting and breaking my nails and finger skin very regularly. But this is not all of it. I tend to waste a lot of time and always have the impression that all what I am doing is lasting for an eternity, including tasks that I can do only within 5 minutes. I also face stress disorder, because I always feel pressurized by my husband and still feel the effect of the over-pressure that I have passed through with my parents and even with my in-laws even though things changed drastically and improved by my side, and even though I live on my own with my husband and my son. I admit that I think about too many things at the same time and in a very disordered way, and that I often feel lack of energy for doing the most simple things in life. I admit that I have big trouble in focusing on the most important aspects of my life and for the welfare of my child. Finally, I admit that I very often face muscle tensions, especially at the shoulders during the massage sessions, and sometimes have headache. I admit that I cover all those ADHD symptoms regarding procastination, such as Daydreaming since I love dreaming a lot and have a huge sense of imagination as an aspiring writer to be. I accept that I very often tend to forget or to loose things without even realizing it when it comes on loosing things. It recently happened since I never retrieved a book bag belonging to my son, which made that I had to pay a penalty with the school library, since the book bag contained two library books that my son borrowed from there. It also happened that a new pink shirt that my husband bought in shopping mall a couple of months ago after our settlement in my new homeland, and which I never washed before, completely disappeared without me realizing it. Yes I admit that I make a lot of careless mistakes or take unsafe risks. An example of taking unsafe risks is that I very often let my son pedaling his bicycle on the edge of the road even though there are cars coming and going, and even though I always have a close eye on him. Another example that I do careless mistakes is that I repetitively, and very often on purpose I admit it, never have the notion of time when I go out with my son, or that I always use the wrong cloth to clean the kitchen, since I take the cloth used to dry the dishes instead of a cleaning cloth! Squirming, I don’t know whether I used to squirm, but I very often talk alone and have flappy hands and fingers when I turn nervous. Fidgeting, however, happens to me very often with my hair or with my fingers. I also faced some symptoms of depression so many times, where I wanted to commit suicide or to die. It happened at so many moments of my life where I was deeply desperate with myself and wanted to put an end to my life to meet my deceased half-sister in another world… I even remember that one year after the big fight between my parents and my in-laws, I wanted to put an end in my life by jumping from upstairs when I arrived at my office, and my husband was unable to understand what was really happening to me. I very often also had appetite and weight loss, which turned into anorexia, especially when I was in Madagascar during a period I was deeply down after the fight between my parents and my in-laws, several years which followed my son’s birth while I was in Seychelles, during which my husband and I were having a lot of fights and that my in-laws were over-invading our house with their visits and caprices, especially my father in law and my husband’s uncle from Paris, who is a very possessive and emotionally vampire person, despite all the good qualities that he has shown such as a generous and hardworking person. Finally, even though I am convinced to have ADHD, I also have some symptoms related with OCD, mostly overthinking about bad memories from my past life experiences, which usually take a lot of time for me to forget and which affect me a lot physically and morally. For example, it took me 10 years to overcome the impossibility of the reconciliation between my parents and my in-laws, and I still have never overcome my very first heartbreak that I experimented at 16 years old, even though 20 years elapsed after it happened!

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Relationship problems: I have been lucky to have someone who is straight minded, down to earth, discipline and hardworking in life… Unfortunately I still feel there is a wall separating the both of us because there are too many differences between us which makes that there is no possibility to create a Just Middle between us to better hang up with each other. Because of that, I always have the feeling that I must always show a face of myself that my husband wants me to have and that I don’t feel free to be whatever I would like to be because my husband never accepted me the way I AM, but wanted me to be the way he and his family wanted me to be. I have also had too many breakups, because my choices never matched with my mother’s choices and I suffered from a very brutal breakup with my ex because he was widely influenced by his father since his father disliked my European style and the fact that I used to speak French, which was never tolerated in their family. After one month of breakup only that I decided to marry my actual husband.

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Substance abuse or addiction: Yes, I am extremely addicted with sugar that I put in my tea or coffee, because I was told by an ex-colleague that when you consume sweet things, it’s because you are sad and that you are desperately looking for a way to find re-comfort into sweetness. I dislike cigarette though, and only now started developing taste for alcohol, but yet I still control myself since on cigarette and alcohol, my father succeeded into never letting me involved in them, especially alcohol, maybe because he knows that my mother is alcoholic and that he cannot control her. I have also been addicted to Facebook at such a point that I was neglecting my family. I won’t say that my addiction stopped because I keep on borrowing my husband’s mobile to surf on his Facebook account as if it was mine, since we have some contacts in common and some interests in common which feature on his Facebook account. However, I am very addicted with Social Platforms, and even with Literature and Creative Writing. I am dying with curiosity for discovering new things of life and developing myself. And on that kind of addiction I don’t want to change.

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Low motivation: Yes, so many times, especially when I am stuck into a daily and boring routine in my life, like as I mentioned before. I am also fed up with the trips that we do because my husband always chose Mauritius and France as the only destinations where we traveled, whereas there are so many options and at cheaper prices that we could take. I complained about it with him so many times, but he just told me that his financial situation couldn’t allow him going in other destinations, but that as soon as his situation would improve we could visit something else. Personally I don’t believe him, because there are opportunities which are waiting for us. Maybe also it’s his lack of geographic knowledge which makes him talking like that, and for that I admit I need to help him since I have deeper geographic knowledge.

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PROBLEMS AT SCHOOL: I did very well at school when I was in Primary School but things started changing after I took part at the Brevet des Colleges. Even though I was doing well at school, unfortunately I was terrorized and over-pressurized by my mother, who never had faith in my capacities and who always underestimated me with her excessive discipline and obsession of making me over-passing myself. As I said before, even though I stopped having my mother with me, the fact that she over-pressurized me had some severe consequences on my concentration problems, not only for my studies, but even for the rest of my life. Unfortunately things got worse when I got married due to too much pressure from my husband and my in-laws, who are all extremely maniac when it comes on hygiene, discipline and hard work, since they still have the scars of the poverty in which they have been growing up, and from which they never recovered. And the fact that I come from a rich family unfortunately didn’t arrange things, despite all the efforts that I had to overdo to be accepted in the family and by my husband. The fact that I had to build a personality to please others instead of pleasing myself makes me extremely unhappy and uncomfortable. As well as I was raised as a golden child at home, in another hand I was severely bullied at school especially during my primary years and a part of my secondary years, because I was all the time quiet, lonely and never involved in anyone’s games. I was never dropped out from school nor university, but I interrupted my studies for my E-Commerce License since I was completely lost in most of the subjects and had no basics in computer science, and as I mentioned before, I repeated my Premiere and before that, I had to make a Seconde Amenagee which distanced me from my Baccalaureate orientation completely. I wanted to add also that I have unfortunately been bullied and discouraged by a pupil who never wanted me to do a Literary Baccalaureate, pretending that I would never know how to assimilate my languages properly! Another one once even mocked me when I said I wanted to do Action et Communication Commerciale or Comptabilite et Gestion, which both represented branches from the field Sciences et Technologies Tertiaires. I still remember the mocking that he did over me, and unfortunately his mocking brought negative fruits as I doubted a lot on myself and felt that I wasn’t made for that kind of job. I was always shy and lonely and had a lot of difficulties to make strong friendship bonds with the other pupils of the class who wanted to approach me. I was subject to so many fake rumors about me, that I was mentally delayed or disturbed, something like that. I never was dropped out from school, but I once escaped from school for meeting my boyfriend of that period, a guy whom my parents disagreed with and whom I had been having a secret relationship with for about 2 years, until I decided to put an end to it as it would never work between us.

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–  I admit that I changed jobs and had poor performance at work during the few times that I was working for other companies. But the most catastrophic working experience, which maybe is the cause I couldn’t cope with work environment anymore in addition of my average exam results, is the 2 month experience I had in the HR Department of a Printing and Packaging company, when I was working as a HR Assistant cum Secretary. After 2 months and so many fights and bullying from my dominating boss, I resigned with all my anger and did a very catastrophic signing with an ex colleague, and I was diagnosed anxiety depression by the doctor of the company. My HR Manager menaced me since I gave my complaint and resignation letter directly to the General Manager without passing by him, and two weeks later he replied to me in a very menacing and arrogant way to scare me… But Karma turned against him, since he was fired from the company further to a very serious professional mistake he was accused of. My working environment in Mauritius in general was horrible, mostly because of the Mauritian mentality, with which I couldn’t cope at all. Mine in Madagascar was rather good as long as it consisted into administrative tasks, but I was completely null in Logistics. When I completely left the working environment, then I realized that I wanted to become a writer.

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– As I don’t drive I never had speeding tickets, license suspended nor was involved in more crashes. However, it took me 7 temptations to get my driving license, and I didn’t obtain it with my own efforts, but instead I obtained it thanks to my ex-boyfriend, who bribed a policeman he knew very well to help me passing my license! But karma once more turned against me, because I didn’t deserve that license as it was obtained with bribe, even though my ex boyfriend did it with a good intention for me. Because of that bribe, God punished me and I cannot drive anymore. I don’t smoke cigarettes since I never could stood tobacco, I was never addicted to drugs, but I merely started drinking, and I am rather addicted with social networking on my mobile and with sugar. Yes, I have less money, and to be honest, I have no more money. I am completely ruined, since I spent a lot of money uselessly by buying all sorts of rubbish and getting memberships for all sort of online job platforms, within my desperate obsession for freedom and for preserving my dignity, an obsession that I still have within me as I don’t want to depend on my husband anymore financially. Finally I admit, that I really have a lot of psychological trouble as I got very often depressed and anxious, and I even had so many nightmares during my sleep.

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– There are a lot of other things on which I wrote so many things in the past as they affected me a lot, but I will never mention about them anymore, since I was wisely and toughly advised by some good and loyal people I have been lucky to meet in life to put a big cross on those chains of the past, not only because it was painful for me to keep those chains alive for myself, but also because it was very uncomfortable for my readers, my family and my surroundings to read so many crude things, since they could be fatal for me in the meaning that anyone could bully me in return for having had the courage of spreading the truth about them, and that it could also affect me and my family in the future. It was very hard for me to accept this, but I accepted removing all those blog posts since they could be fatal for me in the future and even attract a lot of hateful and disturbing opinions and comments on me, for which I admit I wouldn’t be strong enough to face nor to fight against. But only one thing though that I would like to share and that a friend of mine once told me: Your parents are your very first prints in your life. If they are good prints, you will grow up good, if they are bad prints, you will survive with those bad prints all your life. Unfortunately I belong to the second sad category of children and it’s very hard for me today to rise again as I still carry so many heavy scars in me. As I told my husband, you can have a loveable husband, many loyal friends or therapists who will advise you and help you rebuilding yourself, but they will never replace the essence of life that your parents are supposed to bring in you, and you will always feel incomplete because your parents never brought in you that essence of life. This is exactly what I am myself actually facing.

Unfortunately, since therapies here are expensive and not covered by insurance, and since there are lots of shadows from my past that I don’t want to unveil anymore and that I removed away from my blog forever, I prefer not following any therapies. The fact that I could break that silence already consists into a big therapy for me, and I hope that through my experience, I will be able to inspire other people suffering with ADHD like me to have the courage to express themselves. I also took a lot of time to understand one important thing, which is that ADHD can be an explanation in bad life management, but should not be an excuse. I hope that after I wrote all those words and confessions, I will be able to stand up again and to overcome that mental disorder bravely, even though I need to do it alone, and for which I don’t loose hope, though at times I can be morally down or fed up.

Facebook addiction: Who is the real culprit?

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This was the very first article that I am writing here on LinkedIn and that I am re-writing here on WordPress, and I am very pleased to paste you hereunder a post from one of my compatriots regarding some of my Mauritian compatriots and their addiction to Facebook:

Hello Mark Zuckerberg!

I took a suffering patient to the SSRN Hospital this evening. The security guy outside didn’t bother to give directions because he was busy on Facebook Messenger.

When I reached the “emergency entry”, a taxi driver had forgotten that he had parked there after dropping his passenger, because he was busy checking his Facebook newsfeed.

I went to the registration counter. I had to utter my phone number thrice because the lady’s attention was on her phone’s screen – that showed a man’s Facebook profile.

The doctor was liking photos on Facebook when I had to disturb him, unfortunately. The patient got admitted, and while carrying him to an allocated ward on a wheel-bed, [as they walked] both nurses were excited to be adding each other as Facebook Friends since they met each other after a long time.

And finally me…I had to take out my phone and write a Facebook post to you.

So Mark, did you make us any less slave than our ancestors?

Good night!

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Kudos to my compatriot who wrote that blog post anyway… And thank you Mark Zuckerberg for having addicted the Facebook drug to us. And cheers to all the humans who let themselves getting trapped into that drug so stupidly that they completely forgot the true meaning of socialization and of priorities in life! Because we cannot blame Mark Zuckerberg totally either. He created Facebook to become famous. But so many people misuse Facebook. They make of Facebook an addiction and even use it to publish all their life as an open story and even as a tool used for pornography and violence! And after this we are astonished that we have no more privacy when our privacy is in danger? We are astonished that our pictures are misused within the hands of hackers in the aim of ruining our lives?

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A couple of years ago a respectful young student was retrieved hung in her bedroom together with all her family members after they committed collective suicide! The reason? She had a PUBLIC Facebook profile and posted all her personal pics on it. Some hackers used her pics to create fake pornographic pictures of her on a fake profile with HER name and identity! She was NOT aware of that and so many naive people believed she was a REAL SLUT and her whole reputation at home, at school, in her family and in society got completely ruined! Was she to be blamed for having created a public Facebook profile innocently without expecting the bad consequences it would have had on her life? Or are those hackers to be blamed for having tricked her pictures and ruined her innocence and reputation? Unfortunately I couldn’t retrace the Facebook post revealing about that collective suicide, but I got the proof that such cases exist through that article from Hindustan Times, revealing the arrest of a hacker who victimized another girl in the same case and who pushed her to commit suicide since her reputation was completely ruined because of him.

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Another case we should talk about and which made me being disgusted with having a personal Facebook profile: 2 years ago an Indian girl made me revealing some shocking secrets, though she didn’t know me, about a celebrity I adored to the core! Of course as a blind follower of that celebrity I didn’t believe her and insulted her, and I thought the celebrity would have been clever enough to understand my concern about protecting him and his marital life since he was engaged. Instead of supporting me, he forced me and a couple of his fans whom I shared the story with to apologise to that Indian girl who pretended that her profile was hacked by her boyfriend and that he created that fake profile of hers misusing her pictures, contacts and personal details to create trouble between her and her contacts since he was jealous like hell and could never bear knowing she had male friends who were only fans of hers since she was also a celebrity in her locality. But the way she exposed so many precised details about those shocking revelations are TOO TRUE to consider that this girl was trapped by her boyfriend and it was evident she was lying and fooling everyone! Since now NO ONE gave me right for the good intention I had towards that celebrity and my name and reputation got suddenly blackened by all his followers and even by that celebrity HIMSELF! One day I will reveal you the complete story, which is still in draft mode but which I may publish very soon so that you would know better about the whole story. But to prove you that such cases exist, though they are rarer, I found that article to justify what I have just written, and what I have read in it was extremely shocking, and especially when I read the latest paragraph stipulating, I quote, that “The status updates are not offensive, they do not use foul language and can be deleted once you “Unhack your  Facebook.” Which rubbish is that? Didn’t they realize the foolishness of their action and how they could stupidly put some innocent lives in danger or facing big fear and trauma for nothing, and maybe for the rest of their lives by doing that? That is why there is a quote in French saying “Les plaisanteries les plus courtes sont les meilleures”, translated in English as “The shortest jokes are the best ones”. It’s true since as it starts becoming longer… it doesn’t become a joke anymore and it can really endanger your life!

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It’s easy to blame Mark Zuckerberg for having created Facebook! But we should especially first blame OURSELVES for being unable to use Facebook intelligently, responsibly and appropriately. I was myself a Facebook addicted person and I myself admit how I misused Facebook so cheaply in the past and how Facebook turned into a drug which completely ruined my life and got me away from my priorities and life responsibilities as a SPOUSE, a HOUSEWIFE, a MOTHER and a WRITER-TO-BE! I won’t be scared to share my story with you and with everyone if necessary as an ex Facebook addicted if necessary. I use other platforms regularly such as Google+, Instagram and LinkedIn but when I compare my daily experience with them this is NOTHING compared to my previous FACEBOOK experiences since I obtained TOUGH LIFE LESSONS from them and learned to impose my LIMITS and to respect them.

New Year Eve: Remembering its values through Ancient Times and a short Catholic tradition called St Sylvester Day

As most of you know it well, everybody celebrates the New Year Eve also known as the St Sylvester day. But has any of you tried to know the link between the New Year Eve and St Sylvester? Frankly speaking, it’s only now that I thought about it and decided to do some researches early on that morning of the 01st January.

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According to that article, “Little is known about Sylvester’s life. His tenure as pope took place during the reign of the Roman emperorConstantine I. Legend claims that Sylvester played an active role in the conversion of Constantine to Christianity, buthistorians reject this tale. As Pope Sylvester witnessed the divisions between Christians caused by the rise ofArianism, a doctrine concerning the nature of Christ, he sent two representatives to the Council of Nicea. Convenedby Emperor Constantine, the Council debated and rejected Arianism. His feast day was established in 1227 by PopeGregory IX. At least one writer has suggested that his feast day was placed on December 31 for symbolic reasons.Just as December 31 ushers in a new year, so, too, did the conversion of the emperor Constantine usher in a newepoch in the history of Christianity.

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But what should  be more interesting to know is about the New Year Eve History itself. In an article retracing the history of the New Year Eve, it’s a phenomenon which appeared 2000 years BC whereas the 01st January celebration appears only as a new phenomenon: “The celebration of the new year on January 1st is a relatively new phenomenon. The earliest recording of a new year celebration is believed to have been in Mesopotamia, c. 2000 B.C. and was celebrated around the time of the vernal equinox, in mid-March. A variety of other dates tied to the seasons were also used by various ancient cultures. The Egyptians, Phoenicians, and Persians began their new year with the fall equinox, and the Greeks celebrated it on the winter solstice

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There are several versions of the New Year celebration quoted in that article, but the most prominent one is about when Julius Caesar included the 01st January as the first day of the year. I was amazed to read that according to the ancient Roman Calendar before Julius Caesar’s decision, the years were made of only 10 months, starting as from the 01st of March. Then, as per that extract regarding the insertion of January the 01st, “In 46 B.C. Julius Caesar introduced a new, solar-based calendar that was a vast improvement on the ancient Roman calendar, which was a lunar system that had become wildly inaccurate over the years. The Julian calendar decreed that the new year would occur with January 1, and within the Roman world, January 1 became the consistently observed start of the new year.” The 01st January celebration though, was abolished during the Middle Ages, since it was being considered as a Pagan and Unchristian celebration, and the New Year celebration then coincided together with the birth of Jesus Christ on the 25th December. But little by little, the tradition was restored and adapted through the years as a celebration separated from Christmas, by the Gregorian Calendar.

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But now, another question that I am asking myself also while writing those words: Was New Year eve celebrated in Ancient times? The answer is a medley of Yes and No. Yes, it was celebrated in Ancient times, but not in the same way as we celebrate it today, with the traditional firecrackers, huge parties until late in the night at home, in restaurants or in the streets, good food, alcohol, etc. Here is an extract of this article showing what the celebration of the New Year represents in some of the Ancient times, especially in the Babylonian era: “The earliest recorded festivities in honor of a new year’s arrival date back some 4,000 years to ancient Babylon. For the Babylonians, the first new moon following the vernal equinox—the day in late March with an equal amount of sunlight and darkness—heralded the start of a new year. They marked the occasion with a massive religious festival called Akitu (derived from the Sumerian word for barley, which was cut in the spring) that involved a different ritual on each of its 11 days. In addition to the new year, Atiku celebrated the mythical victory of the Babylonian sky god Marduk over the evil sea goddess Tiamat and served an important political purpose: It was during this time that a new king was crowned or that the current ruler’s divine mandate was symbolically renewed.” And I have seen some pictures, while looking for an illustration for my blog post, revealing that the Akitu is still celebrated in some parts of the world as per demonstrated in that article.

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But in some other parts of the world, the New Year celebration was made in different ways, either for religious purposes or as a pagan celebration, at the example of Ancient Greece and Ancient Roman Times, which were two contrasting ways of celebrating the New Year. According to that article, “In Athens, however, there was an epigraph found reading of a religious ceremony that used to take place on the beginning of the New Year, or better said on the last day of the outgoing year, which involved only a small number of people. The celebration was a sacrifice of the outgoing officials to Zeus the Savior and Athena the Savior, which aimed at ensuring the blessings and favor of the two gods for the coming new year. It was not until ancient Roman times and while Rome grew in power, that the New Year festivities began to become extremely popular. The celebration known as the Saturnalia, a time of revelings, drinking bouts, orgies and human sacrifice in honor of god Saturn, was instituted as the festival of January 1st by Julius Caesar in 46BC upon deciding to adopt the Julian calendar. The popularity of the celebration was spread in all corners of the Roman Empire and continued with minor local and time alterations to integrate in the customs of all peoples within the Empire’s boundaries, including ancient Greece.

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Now, you will find strange why I am making a history of the New Year Eve among Ancient times with the way we are celebrating it, won’t you? Did you see the picture I have inserted above that paragraph in my blog post with that quote from Mark Twain, where you do the good resolutions and after one week, send them back to hell? The way I demonstrated the history of New Year during the Ancient Times is to show you that nowadays the humanity is celebrating the New Year mostly based on the Julian Calendar adapted by Julius Caesar, and also on the Ancient Roman Empire tradition made with revelations, orgies, human sacrifices to the God Saturn, etc. In Mauritius, the tradition of animal sacrifice to celebrate the New Year still exists in several Hindu Families, where on the 02nd January, they make an animal sacrifice as a yearly promise by killing a goat and after that, preparing the goat in some special meals. That tradition is more and more lost within the years according to my personal observations as an urban Mauritian, but is still practiced within rural Hindu families of the country, who kept their traditions in the total respect. The orgies, revelations, alcohol consumption in the Roman Era are also adapted not only in Mauritius but even worldwide in several parts of the world except in Muslim countries, where public alcohol consumption is forbidden. Unfortunately, what is sad is when you see how partying heavily for the New Year brings the population into some deceitful consequences: Lots of accidents in the streets mostly caused by huge alcohol consumption, crimes, fights between people partying during revelations made again under influence of alcohol, etc. Alcohol being the worst enemy for the New Year party, during which there are no limits imposed since it’s the very last day of the year.

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But the most prominent thought I had since the New Year Eve 2016 was about the importance of wishing Happy New Year. Why to wish Happy New Year? What is the need to make some new resolutions for the forthcoming new Year, for afterwards forgetting them and going back into our old bad habits? What is the need of wishing Happy New Year to everyone, including the ones whom you blame and dislike, or those who are your worst enemies, for after this starting again to blame them for the rest of the year? Personally, even though I wished Happy New Year to some of my in-laws, to my husband, to my son and to my LinkedIn, WhatsApp and Google+ contacts, personally I am very pessimistic when it comes on the importance of the New Year wishes, which I find personally useless and hypocrite, since they have no meaning. I was captivated by an extract of that article about the meaning of Happy New Year. The first paragraph from Albert Einstein captivated me the most: “When Albert Einstein’s good friend Michele Besso died in 1955, just a few weeks before Einstein’s own death, Einstein wrote a letter to Besso’s family in which he put forward a scientist’s consolation: “This is not important. For us who are convinced physicists, the distinction between past, present, and future is only an illusion, however persistent.” The idea that time is an illusion is an old one, predating any Times Square ball drop or champagne celebrations. It reaches back to the days of Heraclitus and Parmenides, pre-Socratic thinkers who are staples of introductory philosophy courses. Heraclitus argued that the primary feature of the universe is that it is always changing. Parmenides, foreshadowing Einstein, countered by suggesting that there was no such thing as change. Put into modern language, Parmenides believed the universe is the set of all moments at once. The entire history of the universe simply is.” Personally, despite being religious, I fully agree with that Cartesian thesis and I disagree on wishing Happy New Year, because the cycle is still the same: people changing for the better of the worse. People taking birth and people dying. People loving and people hating. The same circus of life always going on and on. Yesterday for New Year eve, since we had a very awful New Year eve celebrated as per what I related in my previous blog post, I mentioned to my husband about the hypocrisy behind the New Year wishes. My husband replied me the sentence that could change perhaps a lot of things in the world: “The New Year resolutions are not bad. But it’s us, the humans, who are bad in general, and who make everything to turn the good New Year resolutions into unlimited deceptions and failures”. There again, my husband was right. And here is the extract of that same article, which resumes it all: 

There is, perhaps, a judicious middle position between insisting on the centrality of time and denying its existence. Something can be real—actually existing, not merely illusory—and yet not be fundamental. Scientists used to think that heat, for example, was a fluidlike substance, called “caloric,” that flowed from hot objects to colder ones. These days we know better: Heat is simply the random motions of the atoms and molecules out of which objects are made. Heat is still real, but it’s been explained at a deeper level. It emerges out of a more comprehensive understanding.

Perhaps time is like that. Someday, when the ultimate laws of physics are in our grasp, we may discover that the notion of time isn’t actually essential. Time might instead emerge to play an important role in the macroscopic world of our experience, even if it is nowhere to be found in the final Theory of Everything.

In that case, I would have no trouble saying that time is “real.” I know what it means to grow older or to celebrate an anniversary whether or not time is “fundamental.” And either way, I can still wish people a Happy New Year in good conscience

So before you think about sending your New Year wishes to other people and making some good resolutions for the New Year, think about it several times before planning them, because Happy New Year wishes and resolutions is something really powerful, but which should come from the heart and be sincere. If it’s so, then maybe we can contribute into making the world much better by doing our own part of efforts and being sincere to the ones whom we wish Happy New Year to, and to keep our promises on all the good resolutions we did for the forthcoming New Year.

So on that concluding note, Happy New Year 2017 to you all 🙂

The Big Social Dilemma about Hindu womanhood in Mauritius and India

This morning, since I chose to have a relaxing day after having an almost sleepless night after a long and hardworking day at home with lots of food to cook, lots of house chores to deal with and so many reproaches I accumulated with my husband for silly matters, I seized the opportunity to watch an interesting Hindi Short Movie, “Teaspoon“.

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The cover image of the movie says it all, showing a tearful housewife who was crying out of her nerves because she was fed up. The story, which is in Hindi language but translated in English, relates the life of Kavita, a housewife whose life is balanced between her house chores, her cooking, her husband who works in an Insurance company but who needs to travel all the time, and her sick father-in-law who is sick and bedridden, and who always calls for his daughter-in-law’s assistance by hitting a teaspoon with the wooden bed or with a porcelain cup next to him. One evening, during dinner time, Kavita was talking to her husband Rajiv and wanted to go somewhere for a short holiday, but within the condition that her father-in-law would be placed in a home temporarily until they come back. But Rajiv categorically refuses that his father is placed in a home, which he estimates as costly, and prefers that he stays at home under his wife’s supervision. The days go by and Kavita’s father-in-law is becoming more and more exigent by asking after her through his teaspoon. The irony in all that is that he teases Kavita only when Rajiv is away from home, but doesn’t bother her when Rajiv is back home. Maybe because he knows that Kavita is busy with Rajiv… or that he pretends to act smart with her only to please his son? Only God knows! But the more time goes by, the more Kavita suffers from that situation since she feels abused by her father-in-law and completely misunderstood by Rajiv, who defends his father more than he does for his wife, who does everything for him and even for his father. Also, further to a huge fight between Kavita and Rajiv during dinner one evening, the morning after, Rajiv rushes to work without having his breakfast, since he doesn’t want to stay at home to avoid another fight with Kavita, since he cannot stand to fight against her each time she tries to complain with him about how his father acts towards her in and out of Rajiv’s presence. On that same morning, Kavita avoids her father-in-law during almost all the day, trying to cope with her other activities and with her work from home… Until at a moment, when her father-in-law asks her again for assistance, her nerves let go and she kills her father-in-law by accident by stifling him on the face with his pillow! When Kavita realizes what she did, she is under shock, and during the funeral ceremony during which everyone is quiet, she provokes noises in front of everyone by heavily bursting in tears, and she keeps on crying every day in presence of her husband. Rajiv, who doesn’t understand the strangeness of Kavita’s behaviour, asks her to stop that comedy since, according to him, she shouldn’t have cried so heavily since his father represented a burden for her and since she wanted to get rid of him for a couple of days by sending him in a home while they would go on holidays. Kavita wanted to tell the truth about what she did to her father-in-law, but she lacked courage and then sentenced to silence. Her husband then asked her to prepare his breakfast quickly otherwise he would be late at office. While she was preparing the chapatis in the kitchen, she suddenly heard again the famous teaspoon, but there was no one in her father-in-law’s bedroom… And then she came to discover that it was Rajiv himself who was making the sound with the teaspoon! Was Rajiv conscious that he was repeating the same gesture as his father? Was Rajiv aware that Kavita killed his father, and is doing again this disturbing sound to take revenge of her? Or was it the father-in-law’s spirit who came to haunt Rajiv to punish Kavita and turn her mad?

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Only God knows about what was in Rajiv’s mind in that movie, and that movie inspired me because it was exactly the same type of situation I have been facing recently. We are actually renting a fully furnished apartment in Seychelles. But as I related to you in my blog post “Too Much of Heaven Can Bring You Underground“, where I mentioned about some serious problems my husband had to face because of the landlord of another house we were renting before in the North of the country, I have to be very precautions on the way I need to keep the apartment clean. And on that day, I had a lot of food to cook since the day after we are used to fasting by only eating vegetarian food, I had some deep cleaning to do in the whole place since after only two days, the apartment turned dirty and dusty again, and I had a lot of laundry to do, especially since there were some white tissues which accidentally accumulated red stains after washing, and which I had to restore with some special products I could purchase especially for that in a supermarket in UAE, since those products weren’t available in Seychelles. I could earn a lot of time fortunately since my son was very tired after having waken up so early and then could do a 2-hour nap, but after such a hard day, I was so tired that I was feeling lots of back, feet and shoulder pains during the whole evening and that I was feeling very weak. But what pricked me was that, despite all the efforts that I did for all those chores, my husband kept on yelling in the house for some nasty details and each time our little one was misbehaving, without trying to understand that he was in good shape since he could rest for two hours to recuperate, and he even indirectly accused me of lacking discipline when it came on his education! At a moment I was so much fed up that I kept on yelling on my husband to make him shutting his mouth, and I felt completely demotivated and discouraged in front of such arrogance and ingratitude from my husband! Also today, because of that demotivation, I did almost nothing today apart some light chores and looking after my son since he came back from school. And again, my husband, whose mood unfortunately didn’t improve at all, kept on accumulating on me his moral lessons when he noticed some tasks not properly done, or things going wrong with our son, etc. At a moment I couldn’t bear it anymore for having so many moral lessons and reproaches from him, and while I brought the little one to the playroom after his dinner, since there was a playroom in the residential area which was kept open until quite late in the evening, my nerves went on and I heavily burst in tears, exactly in the same situation in which Kavita was retrieving herself in “Teaspoon”. I even have the sensation that, though my husband pretends that he understands me, in reality it’s not the case at all and I felt that I retrieved myself in front of a brick of wall exactly like Kavita felt with husband Rajiv.

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In such a moment of despair, I confided into a common good friend of ours, who is known for being a hardworker, regarding my situation, but she was categorical with me as a purely traditional Hindu woman: We, Hindu women, should be able to bear the burden of the whole world over our shoulders without complaining, even though we are sick, and we should always manage on our own and represent a rock on which our husband and children should always rely on through both thick and thin. She herself was an oppressed daughter-in-law when her children were still small, and had to face the burden of being always isolated by her mother-in-law and her sisters-in-law, and she even never had any encouragement nor support from her husband during those moments of struggles. But contrary to Kavita, she never gave up and kept on persevering without asking anyone’s help, and when her elder daughter got married, it was only at that moment that her husband really started to understand her and to recognize her values and how his own family were completely wrong about his wife. It’s in that purpose that she always encourages me to cultivate that fighting spirit that all Hindu women should always have within them, even in the worst cases. I remember that on my Google+ profile, I once posted a picture of several women who had to participate into a house construction, by carrying tons of heavy bricks over their head, since they were working to earn a living to help their husband with poor working revenue, so that they could fulfill their house hold. And after work, they had to continue working for the children, the family, the food and the housekeeping at home and had very few time to rest, but they never complained and always bore the burden of their responsibilities in silence, at the image of Mother India.

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I never complained so far since there are still a lot of married Indo-Mauritian women like me, who may be either younger or older than me, who continue to cultivate the tradition of being submitted spouses and mothers for their family, and who are always judged through their behaviour and through their clothing, appearance and daily responsibilities each and every day. Even though I have been raised within a half Creole, half Indian family, and that my mother mostly showed the glance of the Creole woman who was authoritarian, lived her womanhood fully despite her responsibilities and who always had her word to say and her presence to impose wherever she was going, I married a Hindu man and had to change myself drastically from the Creole education I received from my mother to the submitted spouse and mother I had to become, since all women and spouses in my family-in-law should always dress and behave respectfully, and be totally submitted under their husbands’ authority, though their husbands give them everything they need materially and financially, and though they have the right, especially during family meetings, to express themselves and to have an identity to show. For years, I haven’t been like that since I was always surrounded with maids around me like in my mother’s place, but when I stepped back into my native Mauritius after having spent the first years of my marriage life in Madagascar, I had to start everything from scratch and learn the hard responsibilities that every Hindu spouse should learn to do. It was very hard because I was always pressurised by my in-laws, and all the time compared to my sister-in-law, who had a child before me and who was more experimented than I was. But what pricked me the most was that during so many years, my in-laws considered her as the perfect daughter-in-law, whereas I have been considered as the incomplete daughter-in-law, which is the reason behind which one day, in a moment of despair after the huge fight I had with my father-in-law and which, I hope, put a final full stop to all those comparisons between us, I wrote “Sleeping Tablets“, a short story ending with suicide… whereas in real life, I am still alive and fighting, contrary to my fictional character Sapna in the story. And in addition to all that, I had no help from my parents, since I was and am still in bad terms with them, like I explained in all my other previous blog posts. But even though I was very harsh and cruel with my father-in-law during that fight, after which he had a very high blood pressure because of me, thing for which I never apologised though I was worried about his state of health (Hell yeah, I can be extremely cruel when I am angry, including against my elders, because when I have my points to defend, I never keep silent!), my father-in-law stopped comparing me with my sister-in-law, not because he understood my situation, how it was frustrating for me and how it made me sick, but rather because he was mostly scared of my overreactions and that he preferred shutting his mouth to avoid another argument with me.

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I don’t complain about the way I am leading my life as a housewife, mother and spouse, and I am very thankful that my husband gives me of everything and that I improved a lot the way I manage my daily responsibilities at home. I am also thankful that despite the struggle, my husband respects the fact that I need to cultivate my passion for literature, creative writing and blogging, since it helps me being better balanced in life and better managing my struggles, frustrations and moments of stress through expressing the voice of my heart through written words. But what I am facing, and what lots of Indo-Mauritians face again, even though the Indo-Mauritian society drastically emancipated through the years, resembles exactly the situation that still so many women face in India, since most of Mauritians have their inheritance within their Indian ancestors’ roots, and since Indo-Mauritians represent about 81% of the Mauritian population. There was another video which I loved watching from Bollywood actress Kalki Koechlin, a satiric video regarding rape, where she and another Bollywood star named Juhi Pandey ironically replied to what so many Indian women (and even Mauritian women) face as a critic when they are victims of abuse and rape, “RAPE: It’s Your Fault” which followed the numerous series of sexual assaults which had been filed since the famous 2012 Delhi Gang Rape which savagely shook the Indian society, especially women. In that satiric video, the kind of moral lesson that unfortunately too many women hear, in India like in Mauritius, is that one:

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This is exactly the kind of summon that women hear from men to be “respected” in society, and it doesn’t only concerns India but even Mauritius. Even though I have had toxic parents, the kind of education that they gave me was exactly what I obtained as per that picture, and I keep on practising that type of educational manner passively since I married a man with strict manners and am now part of a strict family-in-law who exegeses that every spouse should behave properly, not showing off in public, doing their house chores properly and wearing decent clothes. Myself, I do it every day, though I still have that rebellious voice within me which speaks when it has to, and though there is nonetheless a certain freedom of expression between me and my husband, even though there are still so many things that I keep untold and that I prefer writing in my blog instead. I even remember having watched a sort of short film that a good friend of mine once realised on his Facebook account, where men kept on being accused because of the Delhi gang rape, where he showed also the medal reverse that women aren’t that innocent either because they don’t behave as decently nor as respectively as before, especially since they are more and more caught on cheating, exposing their assets publicly, talking about their sexual life more and more openly with strangers, etc. And, of course, that it’s one of the reasons why they attract men to rape them… Another type of classical male accusation that I have heard that women are mostly responsible of their own rapes, which has nonetheless a part of truth especially on cheating. I remember having had so many male friends who faced hard heart breaks and relationship endings, since their girlfriends preferred lust and money with rich and wealthy men than true love they could receive from my friends, and on that purpose, with the education I have been brainwashed with, I found those girls really cheap and heartless, being myself a woman, and I gave my full support to my male friends.

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But there was a comment which I really loved reading in reply to the short movie “Teaspoon”, which stipulated that, I quote, “Wife should not be treated as a machine. A machine does not need any appreciation for the work it does. But, the wife expects some appreciation for the work she does. For that matter, even husband likes if he is appreciated for the job he does. In this short film, the husband never tries to understand the problem she faces in his absence at home. If he would have appreciated his wife for all the care she takes for his father other than doing house hold work, his wife would have felt happy and such ending would not have taken place. His wife was not bad in nature. Let all the husband learn to appreciate their wife for their contribution in running the family, to have a happy and peaceful family.” That should have been a good response to all what I have written previously, that if women became so bad and cheap, it wasn’t totally their fault, but especially because they had been victim of bad treatments in the past because of men, and mostly after having escaped from forceful marriages, at the example of late Bandit Queen Phoolan Devi, who was forced to marry an elder cousin whereas she was still a teenager, or of late Pakistani model Qandeel Baloch, who posted provocative pictures and videos of her years after having escaped a forced marriage, before she was killed by her brother “in honor for the family”! I also invite you to pay attention to Kalki Koechlin’s poem “Dear Men“, which perfectly depicts on how men are hypocrite towards women, and dare claiming once per year the International Women’s Day, and which is a strong slap about disrespect of womanhood. And finally regarding the rapists, I found something very interesting on a blog, where there was a review about the short video “RAPE: It’s Your Fault”, the kind of message that women dream men should read carefully so that they take conscious that it’s unfair of putting 90% of the blame over women, and only 10% on men:

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But after all what I wrote previously, as per whatever a good friend of mine, Indian author Pratap DivyeshPratap Divyesh, wrote in his book “A Responsible Confession“, Pratap perfectly depicts who should be blamed in the Delhi Gang Rape… I started reading the book, and the answer I obtained was that all started with OURSELVES… That before blaming the victim for having gone out late, before blaming the rapist for his irresponsible and monstrous action against an innocent girl, we should first have a look at our inner self before judging anyone… And he was right about it. It’s not the man or the woman who is responsible of the rape… It all starts with our minds first. And the extract of that article perfectly concludes about who is guilty in rape and we will see that both sexes are concerned:

As per my consideration the responsibility lies equally between both sexes because without a small mislead both sexes cannot cross the limits. In western countries there is a lot of reports on “Date Rape”which is a girl getting raped when she is going for a dating with a guy. If we analyse the situation there may be a little clue of what triggered the Rape situation and what may have been done to avoid that. In India this is now becoming a big problem since we have reports on this type of rape. In this both victim and the accused is known to each other. The situation created the problem.

If the girl is little bit cautious about her surroundings this may not have happened. If the guy is little cautious about the values of the friendship/love of that Girl then this may have been avoided. Recently there was a report which involves Rakhi  Sawant and popular pop singer. When we saw the pictures of Rakhi Sawant it was just a piece of cloth which was tied just by two knots near her breast. If we untie the knots then her dress will fall and she will be undressed. This kind of dresses will change a good mind to bad. We must know what to wear where. Yes there may be a little conditioned freedom is needed when we go to public because not all eyes and minds are same.

The true Diwali Starts within our Hearts and Souls… before being celebrated at Home!

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I was very tired after such a hectic day on Sunday, and even yesterday, since my son didn’t resume school back after his mid-term holidays, because of the bad weather outside and due to some health complications, which made that I had to look after him and at the same time catch back a lot of delayed chores and prepare dinner, but I didn’t want to fall asleep without writing that blog post, which I could publish this morning only due to network problems I occurred last night because of slow-down of Internet connection. Last Sunday was a very special day: It was Diwali Day.

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For those who never heard about Diwali, in the Hindu religion, it commemorates the return of Lord Rama from Lanka, after he defeated the King Demon Ravana, who kept Lord Rama’s wife Sita prisoner after having trapped and kidnapped her from her home, and saved the life of His beloved wife Sita. When Lord Rama returns to his homeland together with His wife Sita, He is welcomed by all his devotees with oil lamps called Diyas, which they illuminate all along His footsteps together with flowers to welcome Him and to celebrate His victory. Diwali is also the opportunity for Hindus to celebrate Goddess Laxmi, who is the Goddess of Wealth and Prosperity, whom they thank during that special occasion for all the good luck She has been bringing into Hindu families all over the past year, and also the Elephant God Ganesha, who is the Son of Lord Shiva and His wife Parvati and who represents the God who removes all obstacles, and Goddess Saraswati, who is the Goddess of Arts and Knowledge and spouse of the Creator God Brahma. On Diwali day, in India, in Mauritius like in every Hindu families, a couple of days before Diwali starts, families deep clean their houses, buy a new broom, a new cooking recipient, some new clothes and jewels for the occasion and at times start preparing some sweet cakes, since the varieties are numerous and that some of them need a long time of preparation. On Diwali morning, spouses keep on preparing some cakes and offer those cakes with the Holy Prashads (offers to God during prayer) to Laxmi Maa, Saraswati Maa, Lord Ganesha and also to Lord Rama and His Beloved wife Sita before packing the cakes and distributing them with all their family members, friends and loved ones before 06.00.pm, wearing their new clothes and jewels for that special occasion. The rest of the cakes that they don’t have time to distribute, they give them during the day after, since they need to be back at home before 06.00.pm to light on all the oil lamps (Diyas) before that time, which is the time, according to the Hindu ritual, where Goddess Laxmi enters the house of the family to bring Her holy blessings in the house. Diwali represents a very festive day, since after the rituals, youngsters and adults have a lot of fun with sparkles and firecrackers, folkloric songs and dances until late in the night.

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But through the experience that I had yesterday, the Diwali that I celebrated together with my little family was very different. We are still settled in the Seychelles all alone, since my son goes to school there and that my husband still works there. On Saturday, my son and my husband went for shopping to buy all the necessary stuffs for celebrating Diwali, whereas I stayed at home to proceed with a deep cleaning of the house. But since we were staying in an apartment that we were renting only temporarily, we didn’t buy any new broom nor recipient, but we only lit a new oil lamp at night for the evening prayer. On Sunday, my husband and I woke up very early to have shower, to perform our usual morning prayers and then, after a quick breakfast, I tidied the kitchen and started preparing the sweet cakes, while my husband was busy finishing an urgent work. To be honest, I have very few experience in cooking Indian sweet cakes, since it was only the second time in my life that I experienced cooking them on my own, and later I will explain you why. I first wanted to cook some Rasgoolahs, which are some little round cakes made with milk powder, which you should fry in hot cooking oil before rubbing them with a homemade cardamom syrup. Unfortunately, since we have an electric oven which heats too much, my Rasgoolahs got burnt and I had to throw all of them in the dustbin 😦 Furthermore, I tried another type of cakes, the Nankatais, which are some vegetarian cookies made with corn semolina. They were not too bad but they didn’t have the original shapes that Nankatais have in general, and rather looked like some ordinary cookies, but they were presentable and, according to my husband and to my son who enjoyed them to the core, they were delicious 🙂 So happy for them! After the Nankatais, I tried some Almond Barfis. Barfis are some cakes made with liquid and powder milk, sugar, cardamom powder and almond powder, which should have a thick texture after the Barfi paste gets colder and is then cut into some little diamond shape cakes. I tried the Barfi cakes and even included some green food colour in it to give it a more attractive presentation. However, since the Barfi didn’t have enough time to get colder due to the lack of time, the paste was very sticky when I tried to cut off the diamond shaped cakes! The taste was good though, but the presentation was a true disaster, and I learnt trough that catastrophe that next time, I shall prepare it the day before, so that the texture gets more firm. Finally I ended with Gulab Jamun, a sort of oval shape cake which resembles the Rasgoolah, but with a thicker texture since you add more flour in it. But when I tried the oval shape, I had difficulties to cook it because of the overheating oven, also I had to give the Gulab Jamun a round shape for a better cooking, and I may say I succeeded them. After the cakes were over, we gifted each type of cakes in front of our Deities which we regularly pray before distributing them with some of our neighbours and friends before lighting the Diyas at 06.00.pm. Contrary to the previous years, we only had two Diyas, one in our Prayer room, and one in our kitchen, since the kitchen represents the heart of Hindu homes, like all homes in general. We also got in touch with our relatives and close friends to share the Diwali wishes, looked after our young son, since he would resume school the day after, and my husband prepared a delicious carrot, potato and leak soup for dinner. And here I am, while my husband and my son are deep asleep, sharing you how my Diwali went on… And why I chose such a title to write my blog today.

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Before I share with you my personal experience, I have had the pleasure reading a recent post from one of my compatriots, where he expressed his own opinion about Diwali, and I really enjoyed that opinion because what he wrote in his post was completely right and summarises exactly what I have myself been experiencing before. He mentioned in his post exactly the way Mauritians celebrate Diwali nowadays: with hypocrisy and by showing off what they have. With the huge economical progress, lots of Mauritians tend to show off their wealth by building big houses, buying the latest high-tech products, the most expensive car, etc. But the medal reverse behind so much wealth is completely different and proves that the Mauritian society is based upon the principle that all what glitters isn’t true gold. To appear so much fortunate, Mauritians have a lot of debts since they need to contract loans with their banks or insurances, which they struggle to reimburse in return. There are some Mauritians coming from affluent families or of affluent personalities, who are protected by some religious communities, by freemasonry or who don’t even hesitate to call after sorcerers to be able to influence people through their fortune and words. There are some dealers who operate illegally in prostitution, child labour, drugs and all sorts of illicit businesses in exchange of dirty money. There are some corrupted people who either bribe their suppliers or superiors in exchange of money despite the active intervention of the ICAC in Mauritius to obtain some favours they don’t deserve. And it’s most of them who celebrate Diwali with so much extravaganza for the pleasure of showing off and without realising they are mocking Goddess Laxmi, and this without any shame nor remorse! And those same people expect that with so many lights decorating their houses, with huge Laxmi poojas celebrated in their houses, so many cakes shared with hypocrite Happy Diwali wishes to people they criticise, envy and dislike in reality, Laxmi Maa will step into their houses? And how about She shows Her anger by removing all the luck and wealth Her fake devotees accumulated for years to punish them,will they accept their fault or reject the wrong on others… including on Laxmi Maa?

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Regarding my own experience on Diwali, yes, I admit that I have also experienced Diwali in total ignorance and hypocrisy, but in a totally different concept. As I have mentioned in some of my posts, before marriage, I followed my parents’ religious steps mostly based on Roman Catholicism, Anglicanism and Christianity, before embracing Hinduism, though I kept on practising a few Catholic rituals after marriage, since my husband also praised Mother Mary regularly. I gave more details about that experience when I wrote about the way I took back the Hindu religion that my father rejected against his family’s approval. Since my father changed his religious orientation totally, as an ex-Hindu, he never felt the necessity to explain me the true meaning of Diwali, since myself I was christened Roman Catholic after I was born. However, for the pleasure of celebrating Diwali and being part of the Diwali festive mood, we enjoyed ourselves by buying Indian sweets and Diwali carton boxes, sharing the cakes and preparing the boxes equitably before sharing the cakes with my paternal relatives, and lightning some electric lamps… and even some Diyas! What was funny was that even though we were not following Hinduism, my father allowed that we would light Diyas, but he never explained me the meaning of the Diya… And myself, since I was so naive and ignorant, it never came into my mind to ask my father to explain me about the meaning of the Diya, nor about the difference between lightning a Diya and lightning some electric lamps. It’s through the news on television that I came to know about the meaning of the Diya and the information I obtained about its meaning was more than enough for my general, cultural and religious knowledge about Hinduism, since I wasn’t a Hindu devotee before marriage. After marriage, I embraced Hinduism, but yet, I admit that I had so much things to learn about Hinduism. My paternal family members were Hindus for the most of them, but none of them taught me about Hinduism, in one hand because my parents would never allow them to influence me on Hinduism because of my Christianity, in another hand because myself I was linked to Christianity and never wanted to betray my religion, which was the one in which my parents placed me since I was born. Things drastically changed after marriage, since, like I described in the post regarding my conversion to Hinduism, which I mentioned previously in that paragraph, I never expected that one day, I would be taught about the importance for me to embrace Hinduism after marriage. At first though, since I had no one to really explain me the basics that I was supposed to know, I ignored about the importance for me, as a spouse in a Hindu couple, to prepare the Diwali sweet cakes with my own hands by lightning myself the oven with my hands. I have been living in Madagascar from 2005 till 2009 and then had to leave Madagascar in emergency with my husband because of the socio-political crisis of 2009 which shook the country and forced so many expatriates to leave the country for safety reasons. But during all the time I was settled there, we had a Malagasy maid who used to prepare all our meals and who had a very strong experience in Pakistani cuisine, which mostly was alike Indian cuisine, at the exception of a few variants. Even Pakistani cuisine included Diwali sweets… But the difference was that Pakistani sweets all included eggs among the main ingredients, whereas Indian sweets excluded eggs, which was considered as an animal product as per Hinduism and wasn’t allowed to be used for cooking Indian sweets, especially since those sweets are distributed after prayer sessions with Hindu priests and during Diwali celebration and prayers, and also should be purely vegetarian sweets, by respect for the religion which didn’t authorise any animal product as offerings. Before marriage, my husband, who was already settled in Madagascar, then completely ignored that the Malagasy maid included eggs in the Diwali cakes she prepared for being distributed by my husband to his compatriots and colleagues, until one day, my mother-in-law, who was on holidays at his place in Madagascar, noticed that our maid included eggs and then forbid the maid using eggs again, explaining her as best as she could the meaning behind it, and the maid then stopped using eggs. Since it was the maid who used to prepare the cakes, and since she was already a good cook, I never cared about learning how to prepare food, and I admit it, since i came from a rich family where I had maids all the time to serve me, I was a spoilt child and I was never interested into learning the rules of being a good and independent housewife, until we had to leave Madagascar and that I retrieved myself on my own, and then forced to learn everything from scratch! For Diwali 2009, since we were living at my in-laws’ place, and 2013, during which we were on holidays at my in-laws’ place one year after our settlement in Seychelles, since my in-laws were preparing all the cakes and that we were mostly busy with our young son, I didn’t cook one single Diwali cake. For Diwali 2010 to 2012 that we celebrated in Mauritius, during which we were renting my husband’s uncle’s house until we would obtain our own house in January 2013, we could manage with some Rasgoolah, but we even ordered some cakes outdoors to complete what we cooked, but some of my in-laws, especially my sister-in-law, who was known to be always competitive with me since we know each other, was all the time teasing me ironically because of that, and it really pricked me though I never replied her anything to her provocations. But for the last three Diwalis that we celebrated in Seychelles from 2014 to 2016, we had to manage on our own. In 2014, my husband helped me a lot, whereas the two other years, since he was at work and our son at school in 2015, and since my husband was very busy with an emergency task this year, I had to manage on my own. I won’t say that my cakes were brilliant, but one thing was sure, I did my very best and I was proud that I could try to follow the Hindu tradition for Diwali as a true Hindu spouse after so many years of struggle and wrong experience choices. I understood that, as a Hindu spouse, for Diwali, it was of my duty, as a Laxmi in my family and in the home that I represent together with my husband and my child, it was MY duty to light the fire from MY oven, in MY kitchen, in MY home. It was MY duty to bake the cakes with MY efforts and own hands. It was finally MY duty to be the first person in the family to light the oil lamp for Diwali to welcome Laxmi Maa. It WAS NOT the Malagasy maid’s hands which counted to light the oven and prepare the cakes, though she did it in our house. It WAS NOT my mother-in-law to light her oven in her kitchen and to prepare the cakes. Because the efforts for those cakes and prayers were coming from OTHER PEOPLE, and it was THOSE PEOPLE who were harvesting the prosperity from Laxmi Maa, and NOT the three of us, since the efforts didn’t come from ME, the Hindu Housewife.

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However, this year, we were away from my in-laws, from our native country and from my family. People were pitying us because of that, thinking that we were sad for being alone, but it wasn’t true, at least for me personally. Yes, it’s true that I was alone, but I wasn’t lonely. I wasn’t lonely since after so many struggles I had been experiencing with my own family, and which I had been sharing in several of my previous blog posts, I totally eliminated my biological family from my life, and that I came to understand, after so many difficulties, that there was no worth for me to have a biological family with heartless, fake, hypocrite and hurtful and hateful feelings towards me. I wasn’t lonely, since I eliminated a lot of people among even my in-laws, who deceived me a lot through their behaviour towards me and the numerous critics and gossips I had been victim of since I entered my family-in-law and embraced their name, rites and rituals. Among those in-laws, I especially kept grudge against my father-in-law, who prefers my other sister-in-law than me, since she is the one who completes him the best, and I also keep grudge against my sister-in-law herself since she always keeps on competing with me since I entered the family. And you won’t believe me, but I didn’t even greet them Happy Diwali, since I didn’t want to be hypocrite with anyone this year, and that I preferred keeping silent instead of wishing Happy Diwali hypocritically to people that I dislike and despise. I wasn’t lonely since I moved away from my native country, where I had been unfortunate before and even after marriage and where I only keep bitter memories instead of sweet ones because of my family, most of my in-law, bad school experience during which I was considered a loner and at times was even bullied at school, where I never knew about experiencing a good socio-cultural life, and where unfortunately I made so many bad choices among those I thought would be true friends for me, but who were just illusions, at the exception of very few Mauritian people whom I still cherish a lot, but who made the object of a very selective choice by myself and at times with intervention of my husband. Finally, I wasn’t lonely, like I mentioned before, because I eliminated so many fake friends who turned either strangers or enemies to me through some bitter and unexpected life circumstances. I spent Diwali mostly with my husband and my son, through farewell thoughts shared with some people dear to me but geographically living away from me, through some people in the neighbourhood with whom I have a rather good relationship… and with God above all. But hell yes, I was alone… But I was happy, since I wasn’t lonely.

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By the same way, even though I didn’t succeed my cakes, though there were times I panicked under effect of stress and pressure, and at times because my son was mischievous with me in the kitchen, I gave so much punishment to myself to prepare all those cakes, and though at times my husband reproached me drastically when he found that my cakes weren’t good at all, though after those reproaches I wanted to let everything down, sit down and burst in tears, I found back the courage I started to loose to improve my preparations as best as possible, and though the final result wasn’t exactly what was expected, the cakes were tasty and delicious… But unfortunately, it seems that in Seychelles, local people don’t like sweet cakes too much, which means that unfortunately none of the cakes I baked for Diwali were consumed by my husband’s Seychellois colleagues. Only one of his colleagues from South Africa enjoyed the cakes, since he loved tasting new stuffs, but that was all. I was very deceived, and I even interpreted their reaction as pure racism and despise against Indians and Mauritians, which means that I swore to myself to never bake so many cakes next time, if those cakes will finally finish in the dustbin or in a forgotten corner of the kitchen cupboard or fridge. I was very deceived that so much energy and fatigue has been used finally for nothing when it came about sharing. But what consoled me though was that before sharing the cakes, I could perform my prayers in total simplicity and with a sincere heart.

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Finally, during all the times we celebrated Diwali in Seychelles, neither I nor my husband nor our son, except that year at least for our son with new clothes we succeeded buying for him during our latest trip overseas, had the opportunity to wear new clothes and accessories. We appeared in front of God and in front of people with our previous clothes but which were still in good state. We couldn’t even buy  new broom this year to clean the flat we are actually renting, since we are renting it temporarily only, nor a new cooking recipient to cook our cakes for the same reason as the broom. But we succeeded lightning a new Diya that we never used before, and this the day before the Diwali Day. The fact that we could at least light a new Diya this year was the most important for us since we at least succeeded welcoming a new light full of hope and courage in our lives, after so many struggles that we had been facing in our little family and in our marriage life. The way I had to manage on my own most of the Diwali celebration this year, and even last year was difficult, but my husband interpreted that experience as a test, since a true Hindu housewife, since she stands as a Laxmi in a Hindu family, must represent the rock of the family through both thick and thin, and be able to bear both the joyful moments and burdens of life upon her shoulders.

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Myself, through the years since I married, the more years go by, the stronger I feel I am becoming, though I admit I am still very fragile and vulnerable and that I need protection from stronger people than me to succeed in life. But that latest Diwali tested me and taught me some tough lessons: Quality instead of quantity. Sincerity and honesty versus show off and hypocrisy. Finally, the importance of the presence of the light inside our own hearts, souls and auras before spreading it in our houses and prayer rooms, since the first door Laxmi Maa will enter is the inner door to our hearts, souls and auras, and then the doors of our houses and surroundings.

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So on those words above and as I mentioned in my WhatsApp status, I am wishing Happy Diwali to all my dearest ones, the ones whom I cherish the best and sincerely, but I am not wishing Happy Diwali to those whom I dislike and despise, because they don’t deserve it. However for those same people, who represent my enemies, I wish them that the Light of God penetrates their inner selves and succeeds into cleansing their hearts and souls from all the darkness and shadows making them haunted and miserable, and that they feel the blessing and the welfare of that Light of God within themselves for a positive change, for themselves to start, and then for the rest of the world.

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I’m never gonna say I’m sorry for one thing: TRUTH!

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Malin and Jenny Cecilia from Ace of Base, performing on music video “Never Gonna Say I’m Sorry” (1996)

 

Click here for the video of the clip “Never Gonna Say I’m Sorry” from Ace of Base

Never gonna say I’m sorry – Ace of Base

I’m never gonna say I’m sorry
I’m a clown for everyone
I’m never gonna let you down,
I’m always here like a sun

I’m a loser, that is a fact for sure
I’m happy even if you don’t want
To invite me out for a dance tonight
I’m not normal, I know it, I don’t care

I’m never gonna say I’m sorry
I’m a clown for everyone
I’m never gonna let you down,
I’m always here like a sun

I’m never gonna say I’m sorry
I’m a clown for everyone
I’m never gonna let you down,
I’m always here like a sun

I’m always here like a sun, I’m always here

Like a ghost I follow your steps so true
You don’t have to bribe me or fill me up
Give me a minute to shine with you
I will make you so happy, make you laugh

I’m never gonna say I’m sorry for the essence of my soul
There’s so many ways to change my life
‘Cause I want to…oh
I’m like a clown, I am fun for everyone…

I’m never gonna say I’m sorry…

I am sharing those lyrics from one of the tunes on which I enjoyed dancing and singing during my teenage years, since I have an important message to spread to all my readers about why I have no regrets, further to the latest blog posts that I recently published on my blog, in which I shared with my readers several fragments of my personal and family life. I admit I may have shocked so many of my readers with my personal views. But I’m never gonna say I’m sorry.

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Why should I be sorry for telling the truth and for revealing to the world the true part of me that no one wants to see, but that everyone needs to see? I remember that a friend of mine very often wrote me that, in our exchanges of emails. People write only to please the audience and to be paid, but there’s nothing true nor sincere in whatever they are writing. Do you remember the text that once I wrote, “Jo March and Proofreading“? This is the typical example of the fake story vs the true story. Remember how her first book she wrote was rejected, despite so many days of hard work from Jo. All this because, though the book was perfectly written, the story was meaningless and not interesting at all. But when Jo’s younger sister Beth passed away, for the first time Jo opened her heart through the lines she wrote within one whole night, and that time her novel was published, because the voice of the heart was there.

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Through that example, that is why, even though I admitted in that post that proofreading is necessary when you sell your book, I am deep inside myself against proofreading. I don’t care whether my English is insufficient. I know that my English is insufficient. But what is worth for my readers? A sincere message written in a poor English? Or a hypocrite message written in a perfect English? I still remember the harsh words from my ex-best friend, who highly criticized me for writing average college English instead of having the English level of her Majesty the Queen! HAHAHAHAHA! WTF again! And what made me laughing was that it made her really sick that I wrote in average English 😀 Sorry for you my dear ex-best friend… I may not write in the perfect English of Her Majesty the Queen, but at least I am showing my true colors… So sorry for you if I caused you disease for being real, but unfortunately I have no cure against that disease I caused to you… Tata bye bye… And get well soon, dear Miss Perfect English!

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Have you heard about the French quote which says “Too polite to be honest?” Yes, we are too polite in society because we have been taught by our parents to be polite since we were born. Yes, we are too well-mannered because we have been taught by our parents to be well-mannered. The mask of politeness and of good manners is in front of everyone’s faces, and perfectly covers people’s true colors.

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I once remembered that my mother told someone those words which today make me smile: “My daughter is polite… But it stops here.” Which means that for her, I am nothing else than an empty canned box which makes a lot of noise, but which has anything inside herself. If that’s her opinion, then it suits me perfectly 🙂 Indeed, you are never judged for what you represent deep inside yourself, but only through the appearance that you show in front of people nah? You judge people and things through what you see, and not with the heart, don’t you? This is whatever lots of people tend to do nowadays, and that’s what encourages a lot of people to wear a mask when they are in public. Why? Because they are scared. They are scared of being true, of being themselves. They are scared about the hearabouts, the critics, or whatever people may think about them. But wait a minute… Who are we to judge others? No one is perfect. Only God can judge us. Only God can determine the good and the bad within each of us. So why should we remain prisoner of that motherf*****g mask of hypocrisy, just to “please people”? Why is that easier for us to wear that mask of torture only to please people? It seems that we are really masochist nah? Because we prefer torturing our true inner self to please other imperfect humans like us… Instead of being true and having the guts to disturb the aura of hypocrite people and hypocrite society. Soooooooo sad!!!

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Madonna – “Truth or Dare” song video

 

 

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Sanctuary of Truth in Pattaya – Thailand

One day, I did some researches and then saw an ancient Indian Folklore about the Blind Men and the Elephant, which, according to that source, “tells the story of six blind sojourners that come across different parts of an elephant in their life journeys. In turn, each blind man creates his own version of reality from that limited experience and perspective. In philosophy departments throughout the world, the Blind Men and the Elephant has become the poster child for moral relativism and religious tolerance.” I saw another interesting source about that link since I saw the picture from the sanctuary of Truth in Pattaya, which was described in that source as “a very special place where Thai culture as well as religion, art and philosophy come together in perfect harmony.” Another proof on how elephant and truth perfectly match together. The statue of the three-headed elephant God known in Thailand as Erawan, which also represents the Hindu God Airavata, and is also a form of representation of the Hindu Trilogy Brahma the Creator, Vishnu the Keeper and Mahesh/Shiva the Destroyer, like depicted in that article. As you may have noticed, there are so many philosophies which turn around the link between the truth and the elephant. The articles about the three-headed elephant, and how it’s depicted in several Asian countries and in India coincides with the different perceptions of truth about the elephant from the blind men, for finally agreeing together that it’s an elephant that they have been touching. Each of the team members and bloggers who contribute into developing that interesting news room represents a fragment of that team based on “the truth, and nothing but the truth”, and each of them has a fragment of truth to bring and on which everyone will end by concluding that together, they all built… The Truth. Finally, another detail which came in my mind regarding that link between the truth and the elephant is about a video clip I once saw on YouTube, “Eyes of Truth” from Enigma, which depicts the scene of a young mother who sends her baby on a floating cot on a sacred river to an unknown destination. The mother is seen praying God Surya to protect her child. The child grows up and has an elephant as animal companion, which brings him to a sacred town where he is welcomed with flowers all over his pathway, in the same way Lord Jesus was welcomed as the Messiah in the Town of Jerusalem. After he reaches the soil, the baby is taken under the care of a mother elephant, who will become his animal companion and bring the young boy to a journey, where he will discover at the same time the beauty of Nepal, and also how the human being is destroying its beauty by putting fire in it. At the end of his journey, he is welcomed in that sacred city, where he is worshipped like a God Child, before quietly continuing his journey with the elephant. Truth exists within the eyes of every child, and what is sad is that we all forgot that we had an inner child within us, since we are enrobed in that world of superficiality, lies and hypocrisy every day.

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Moscow and Paris

I remember having recently read an article regarding the unforgettable experience of a French tourist who visited Russia, and who went back to his country with so many Russian friends and wonderful memories, which encouraged him to come back again. And when he came back after several years, though the political relationship between both countries recently deteriorated, his same Russian friends welcomed him with arms wide open and with the same kindness and hospitality, regardless to the political tensions between the two countries. This is another part of truth that we tend to base ourselves on: We base ourselves on what our Leaders are showing us, all this because… The example comes from above. I don’t agree on that point. The example comes from both above and below, and there the example should come from below. If the simple French citizen befriended the simple Russian citizen, then why shouldn’t two political leaders of those same countries take example on their friendship, which is a simple and pure friendship without any bias? This is another example on how the human being, when he becomes popular, makes his life and relationships complicated, whereas a simple truth between that French tourist and his Russian friends could perfectly attract their attention to improve their political relationship, not only for them both, but also for their own nations.

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The VW Factory in Germany

 

Finally, I would like to share with you all another point: One day, I saw an interesting building picture taken in Germany, but which unfortunately I couldn’t retrace back to share it with you. Meanwhile, I saw the one above during my researches, representing the VW factory in Germany, and which was a transparent building. This picture reminded me of another transparent building, maybe one of the rarest ones, that we have in Mauritius, which is our famous Mauritius Commercial Bank Building in Ebene, where you can openly see people working and moving in total transparency, including in the office restaurant on the groundfloor. Based on that fact, it’s time now for our society to change and to be settled on TRUTH BASIC, if we want our little island’s image to be taken as a perfect example of good governance and of good art of living for the Indian Ocean, the African Continent, the Commonwealth and the Rest of the World. So WAKE UP, Mauritius! And never feel sorry for telling the truth. Instead, be sorry for opting for the fake and change yourself. Because like Michael Jackson once sang, “If you wanna make the world a better place, just take a look at yourself, then make a change!”