Here are the true reasons why I chose to write under a pseudonym instead of my real name

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I never thought about having the idea of writing that blog post today, but I would like to thank someone very special for having given me so many inspiration a couple of days earlier to write it, with a very particular trait though: This person is a HATER, the second one whom I am facing since my LinkedIn profile Ekasringa Avatar exists, since the first one was a compatriot of mine, an arrogant woman (she doesn’t even deserve I call her a lady!) who thought that because she is living overseas, she can do whatever she wants and auto-proclaim herself for someone she isn’t in her own country; this is one of the kind of people that I truly hate and I didn’t hesitate, at a moment, to humiliate her publicly on LinkedIn before blocking her forever (yes, I can be very infernal and cruel when my limit is reached and that I cannot bear it anymore with that kind of people!). Unfortunately, I don’t have the full history of that conversation with my second hater, since I deleted it, but I regret I didn’t think about restoring it or archiving it. This person doesn’t know me at all and was just someone who visited my profile. Usually, each time that I have a new visitor visiting my LinkedIn profile, I receive a notification, and I invite him or her to be part of my network, even though there is no direct interaction with the person. I admit that I still am part of those people who judge on quantity instead of quality of the people whom I connect with, even though I passed through so many experiences which knocked me down about people, but I don’t care, since my profile is an open door to anyone of all sorts of walks of life, and not only writers, editors, translators nor anyone who would be part of the literary world I belong to, and who would like to know more about me. For the moment, apart that compatriot of mine who came to know whom she would have affair with after the way I put her back at her place on that day, I didn’t have any major problems with anyone, but I haven’t been at all prepared to that kind of sarcasm from a newly added contact. Even though I don’t have the history of the “conversation” we had (if we can call that a conversation indeed!), here is an extract of the way he sent me the message, exactly as it appears in my gmail:

Thanks for the invitation Ekasringa, good to be connected (please be informed that your real identity is hidden which is of course a problem, and, you have a Black Nobility black horse – maybe the… see more

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First of all, that person is stipulating that my real identity is hidden and that it’s a problem according to him. I remember that a few people asked me why I don’t post my own profile picture and why I don’t put my real name, and instead a pseudonym. Frankly speaking, I don’t see at all what’s wrong with it, nor how I am disturbing all those people because I chose to hide my true identity and put a pseudonym. I am not the only one who chose to do this, and there are so many of my contacts who appear also under a pseudonym, and that never disturbed me at all. There are also so many singers and actors who chose to launch their career under a pseudonym instead of their true name, so why wouldn’t I have that same right too as an aspiring author? I haven’t created that LinkedIn profile in the aim of receiving opportunities for my career or to find a job, but only to allow to the maximum people who would visit my profile sooner or later a clue of my own personality and of all my interests which you will all retrieve through all the posts that I like, share, comment and publish on my LinkedIn, and also through all the articles I write and publish on WordPress and in all my social platforms. I also am on Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr and Google+, and the stuffs that I share on my other social platforms already should give to my visitors and followers a clue of my personality and of several things on which I am interested. As an aspiring writer, it’s my duty to have a career based on an open mind, which would allow me to discover the world in a new way which is proper to me and which may totally or partially different from the way other people see it, since I don’t want to be a blind follower for anyone. The reason also why I chose to launch my career under a pseudonym instead of my own name is a choice that I personally made for myself, since I would like my pseudonym to be a brand one day, not only for the work that I am already doing on my blog, but also a brand for other projects that I wish one day I will be able to do, and which are childhood dreams I would like to concrete after so many years of incertitude with myself, since at 37 years old I decided to make of that age, as well of year 2017, a year of challenge for me, where I would like to do things I could never do before, and not allow my own sacrifices and responsibilities as a spouse, housewife and mother banning me from the dreams I want to create as long as I will be alive. In another blog post, I will explain in more details which of those dreams I would like to concrete in addition to all the work dedicated to that blog. Another reason explaining why I chose a pseudonym is that, as a spouse and a mother, through all my past experiences, I have been taught a very tough life lesson that I need to apply if I really want things to be balanced: I need to keep my real identity only for all the things that I do out of what I represent as Ekasringa Avatar, and which is the series of daily chores and routine of my day-to-day life as a mother, a spouse, a daughter-in-law, a neighbor in my locality, a simple citizen in my country and a simple expatriate in the country I live in. I don’t want to become a fame, since I want to lead an ordinary life like everyone, with only the hope to earn money through my blog and through my projects as Ekasringa Avatar, not to become a millionaire, not either to help my husband in the expenses for the household, nor for our child’s education, but simply to have my freedom and my dignity as a woman. My mother-in-law’s words always sound loud in my mind, since she always wanted me to work from home to avoid my husband spending money for me too, since life in general is becoming more expensive and that I can be completely independent, and at the same time remove a burden from my husband’s shoulders, since he is the only bread holder of the family. My pseudonym Ekasringa Avatar, I keep it only for my social platforms on the net and for my blog, even though all the stuffs I shared on my LinkedIn profile regarding my qualifications and professional experiences are real and the dates also are real. I also did a few researches regarding some writers who wrote under pen names and pseudonyms which were different from their true identity. In this article for example, some writers used pen names for different reasons linked with family and from society. Voltaire for example, whose real name is Francois-Marie Arouet, chose the nickname Voltaire to move away from his past, from his family and since some of his writings were against the government. This article also stipulates six good reasons why some writers write under a different pen name, and that extract suits my reasons mostly:

Your Real Name

Imagine your real name is Stephen King, Nora Roberts, or Ron Hubbard. Anyone picking up a book that you write is going to have a lot of certain expectations about the words inside. You know you’re not the next Stephen King, but if reading his books has sparked an interest in horror novels, will have to publish under another name to be taken seriously. Other names are so common that it’s hard to tell them apart. Her name is John Doe, Jim Smith, Sue Jones, or one of hundreds of other similar names, pen name may be the only way you can set yourself above the crowd. When you publish a book, you wanted to be memorable. If your name fades into the background, it will be hard for readers to remember you the next time they look for a book.

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Now let’s come on the fact that I have put a black horse as a profile picture. First of all, let me tell that Mister Hater that it’s not a HORSE but a UNICORN which is represented as a profile picture. That Unicorn was a temporary tattoo that I made on my hand one day while I was at the shopping mall with my family, but which unfortunately didn’t last long on my skin since it was removed with water and soap a couple of hours later while I was under the shower. But I am very happy I could keep a souvenir of that tattoo through that picture. What makes me laughing also is when he said that it was the Black Nobility black horse. Curious, since I never thought about it and since for me, the Horse always represented something positive, since as a Hindu, I worship Lord Vishnu who is the conservator and the second God of the Hindu Trilogy after Brahma the Creator and before Shiva the Destroyer. In Hinduism, some of the Gods also appear in different avatars, and one of the avatars of Lord Vishnu is the Horse Head God Hayagriva, whose I wrote more details about Him in that blog post. For me, regardless to the color of the horse, however it may be of an immaculate white like Pegasus as well as pure Ebony like the horse Black Beauty like in the movie dated 1994 having the same name, a horse is a horse and still represents the conquering of the man. Regarding the Black Nobility, that was TOTALLY NEWS for me to hear such an expression, and as I am curious, I did some researches and found an article for which the first sentence completely shocked me, mentioning that, I quote, “These people earned the title of “Black” nobility from their ruthless lack of scruple. They employed murder, rape, kidnapping, assassination, robbery, and all manner of deceit on a grand scale, brooking no opposition to attaining their objectives. These all have immense wealth. And money is power.” I cannot help myself smiling, because there again, that hater, whom I never heard about before and innocently added on my list of contacts since I noticed he visited my profile, really lost his head and accused me of something which is completely wrong and which is completely news for me since I never heard about the Black Nobility before. Then, he assimilated the Black Horse as the symbol of the Black Nobility. According to my researches, I saw that extract from an ebook entitled “They didn’t Listen, they didn’t Know How” from Olwen Davies where the Black Horse was effectively described as the symbol of the Black Nobility since it represented the symbol of Banking called the Lloyd’s Black Horse, and I saw that the author partly assimilated that symbol as well with the Freemasonry. But since I am not familiar with the world of banking, I didn’t get along for a long time on those details, but another article interested me more, the symbol of the black horse being the symbol of “Mystery, death, night, secret, messenger of esoteric knowledge” for which I linked that article mostly linked with Hinduism, since it’s mostly linked with my religion. The last part of the black horse being the messenger of the esoteric knowledge interested me a lot and I admit that it’s applicable to me as well. I have had so many interesting discussions about esoteric knowledge with a British French friend of mine on a lot of mysteries and secrets which are still being unfolded and which concern the concept of our universe and spirituality, and which I may write about very soon.

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But here, even though I opened a bracket about the Black Nobility and the Black Horse, I would like to tell to that imbecile that those explanations have absolutely NO LINK with me and that he was completely out of subject. He should have done some researches about my name before insulting me, and if he did his researches properly, even though most of his researches will stipulate that it’s the name of an equestrian circus team from Quebec in Canada, he would also have seen the ancient scriptures from the Indus Valley and do more researches about the legend of the sage Rishyasringa, who was born with a horn on the forehead. But instead, that imbecile had a first impression which had nothing to do with my image nor with what I want to share to my followers through all the things that I do and that I write as Ekasringa Avatar. Nonetheless, I have shelled a few extracts on Google regarding the meaning of the Black Unicorn featuring as my cover picture, and I have discovered a lot of interesting things where I retrieved myself:

“The Black Unicorn is a collection of poems by a woman who, Adrienne Rich writes, “for the complexity of her vision, for her moral courage and the catalytic passion of her language, has already become, for many, an indispensable poet.” (Source: The Black Unicorn | W. W. Norton & Company)

“The way that I understand it, unicorns symbolize the spirit of purity, innocence, and childhood. Almost every traditional legend containing the unicorn states that only a young pure female could attract a unicorn to become visible and be of this reality.” (Source: The Meaning of Unicorns)

“Unicorns are unique, mystical, peaceful, and serene animals. Some unicorn tattoos show a cross between a unicorn and a Pegasus (winged horse). At its core, the symbolism of a unicorn tattoo is a message of innocence, purity of heart, kindness, healing, perfection, and peace.” (Source: Fantasy Tattoo Symbolism | Underground Ink CNY)

“The black unicorn is associated with power to overcome all the barriers that you meet in your way of perfect life. You are riding on, walking or flying with an unicorn in the dream – Means that you are tired because of the worries or hard work, or painful experiences.” (Source: Unicorn dream meaning – Dreams Nest)

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Another blog post will also be written soon, since I discovered an article on the Black Unicorn Apparition, since it made me thinking especially about the Gods’ and Saints’ skin color, some as dark skinned and some as fair skinned.

I apologize for having been bulky in that blog post, but I am very happy I could write all those lines and do all those researches, and I would like from the bottom of my heart, to thank that new frenemy of mine to have allowed me to write that blog post, though he blocked me from his list after I have put him back at his place for his sarcasm against me. I wish though I had kept that conversation to share it with you, but I think the first words of his message were more than enough to prove his dumbness and that he was completely out of subject, though he awoke my curiosity as usual 🙂

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Neat people vs Messy people: The complicated alchemy

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I am writing this blog post with rage and frustration, to be honest with you, and I apologize in advance regarding my state of mind. But at the same time, I am thankful to my husband, who gave me inspiration without wanting it, to write that blog post. A couple of minutes before I started writing it, I was finishing to tidy the kitchen and to iron my husband’s clothes before applying cream on my feet and hands, sitting on the bed in the bedroom next door and to start typing my text. But before that, a couple of minutes ago, a fight occurred between me and my husband, because my husband reproached me of being so messy in the house. And before that, nothing, absolutely nothing, happened and we had a good dinner and a very nice evening. But when I tidied some clean glasses on a platter, I put the platter on a cupboard near the kitchen, where there were some other stuffs which belonged to my son, and those stuffs were a couple of toys and some special serum juices that we bought from hospital to re-hydrate my son in case he would suffer from vomiting and high fever. In an unexpected moment, my son wanted to share the bottles with us, since there were three bottles. But without paying attention, my son took the bottles at such a speed that he missed hitting the glasses to be broken afterwards, and this stressed and frightened my husband a lot. But he was so stressed about that, even though the incident didn’t happen, thanks to God, that he started reacting very badly and seeing mess everywhere in the house! Yes, I admit it, I am very messy, extremely messy, though I had to work hard on it and make huge efforts to improve myself on that point, since I am extremely messy since I was a child, but at that moment, my husband really exaggerated and his reactions really pricked me! At a moment I was so pissed off that I told him frankly that I am messy and that it’s within my nature, since I am allergic and suffocate in houses which are too neat and too tidy. I have always been like that and will always be like that, as I have the artistic and literary spirit within me, which is not at all the case for my husband, who is in the numbers all day long and who likes everything at its proper place, neat and disciplined. On those points, after 12 years of marriage, we have always been completely incompatible and we always failed into adapting in each other’s characters, and it’s always been a subject on which we always had huge fights together. But tonight, he said something which completely hurt me to the core: The fact that I am messy and don’t like things to be tidied means that I am attracted to negativity instead of positiveness! I was so hurt hearing such a point that for long minutes, I sat down at my desk office where I was used to write before, and I was so shocked that I was unable to cry. And believe me, I really wanted to cry hard! Is that so true that I feed negativity by being messy?

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I remember that when I was still single, my bedroom was a real mess as well and that I was completely careless about keeping it tidy! My mother always kept everything clean and neat, and she always kept on mistreating me when my bedroom was a mess, and even didn’t hesitate to interfere in my room so many times to tidy my stuffs, and this WITHOUT my permission, since she was always a manipulative and sociopath person! Based on the experience I had with my mother, I may tell you frankly today that I feel a deep hatred for people who love being too neat and tidy, because according to me, those people have a lot of things to hide, are superficial and are hypocrite. I had that problem two times with two landlords while I was living overseas with my family. Both landlords I had were real grouches who wanted everything to be nickel and extremely neat and who did a real scandal for each little detail they noticed, as they were both maniac and obsessed with money. The way they were doing with their houses, personally I interpreted that purely as a shape of sickness, since both of those landlords were childless women who were obsessed with money and luxury. While we were in Mauritius, we had the same problem with an uncle and an aunt of my husband’s who were also childless and who didn’t hesitate to denigrate us with my in-laws behind our back and face to face, without wondering how we were struggling with the maids at home, all the efforts we tried our best to do to keep their house clean, the time we had to spend together with our son and the struggles I had to bear during my pregnancy. They acted in such an inhuman way that we had to keep our distance from them, since they hurt us very deeply and deceived us. I also have another relative like that, another childless person who is also married and who has the same problem as well. Frankly speaking I don’t understand how childless people could react like that and be so maniac! Is that a sign for them to calm down their frustrations for not having been able to infant? Is that a sign of pure mental illness in them? Even my mother has exactly the same problem and that made that so many maids were sacked or resigned from her place because of her maniac manners. Among my in-laws, it’s exactly the same problem. I know that they like when everything is clean and neat, but frankly speaking, it’s for me a total nonsense and complex that they all developed, and for them also a sort of illness!

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In Mauritius, such people are called maniac people. I asked myself then: What is a maniac person? I tried to google some images of maniac, and when I saw those frightening faces of bloody psychopaths, I was so afraid that I moved away from that page! I couldn’t believe that maniac could be so extreme! The Wikipedia defines Mania, also known as Manic Syndrome, as, I quote, “a state of abnormally elevated arousal, affect, and energy level, or “a state of heightened overall activation with enhanced affective expression together with lability of affect.”[1] Although mania is often conceived as a “mirror image” to depression, the heightened mood can be either euphoric or irritable; indeed, as the mania intensifies, irritability can be more pronounced and result in violence, or anxiety.” When I read that definition, I retrieve exactly those landlords, my husband’s relatives, my mother, my own childless relative and my in-laws, and they all have something in common: Frustration about something which scarred their souls to the core. In the case of my in-laws, it’s the fact that they faced poverty at its extreme during their youth and were so many times mocked and bullied by society. In the case of all those childless people I mentioned, it’s the fact they couldn’t infant which made them suffering, and much more in the case of my relative, who was, in addition to all that, a victim of child abuse during her teenage years. In the case of my mother, she has something to reproach to herself, since she built her relationship and marriage with my father in an illegitimate way and that our links are now broken since I have been myself a victim of emotional and psychological abuse because of her.

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But contrary to my niece and to my husband’s relatives, who faced serious circumstances with their family history which brought them to infertility and who ended maniac, for me it’s the total contrary which happened, and which is that I turned into being a real messy person. One of the factors where I could explain my messy manners is linked with the ADHD Syndrome I am actually suffering from because of all the traumas I passed in my childhood and for which I am still not completely recovered. The second factor, I may admit it, is a sign of dependence too. I remember I read a book from psychologist Pia Mellody on dependence, and there was an extract in that book where I recognized myself: When a person, during childhood, faced extreme abusive severeness from his or her parents, he or she won’t want to make the children experimenting the same thing at home, and will tend to do all the contrary. Those people think that by acting like that, they are recovered from the scars of their past, but in reality, without realizing it, this is a sign of dependence, a sign of fear that they have in them to live again the same experience as parents and no more as children. In my case, this is exactly what I am experimenting, even though I had to make a lot of efforts when it comes on cleanliness and tidiness because of my in-laws. Each time that my husband tells me that I am messy and that I am feeding negativity, I am scared of two things.

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The first thing I am scared about is to repeat exactly the same abusive manias from my mother, which makes that I am detaching completely from them by being messy. The second thing though concerns a point of my personality, which is the artistic and literary one. I remember someone told me, a couple of years ago, that people who tend to be messy are sincere, creative and intelligent, whereas people who live in neat houses are superficial. And frankly speaking, neat and tidy houses always frightened me, whereas messy houses were heart-warming to me. I have a neighbor in my actual locality who is of same age group as me and the happy mother of 2 beautiful children, aged 4 years old and 18 months. I went to her place so many times, and it was really untidy and messy everywhere, in the kitchen, in the living room, even in the garden. But despite the big mess in her house, I always felt at home at her place. For me it was a really heart-warming atmosphere with the presence of so many pictures, handicrafts made by her children, books, toys, mats, etc, and most of all the pureness and innocence of those two little cuties. For me, such houses are signs of sincerity and pureness of hearts, because they have the warmth of a home, since home is where the heart is, and as the concept of home is something that you feel inside yourself whereas the concept of the house is mostly something material. To be honest, as my husband and I ourselves have our own house, even though it belonged to us, we always felt like strangers in our own place, since we were always controlled by my in-laws who never respected our privacy and who were always on our back to tell us what to do or not, and since it was a relative who was in charge of the housekeeping and garden maintenance during our absence from Mauritius. And each time we went to our house and that we forgot to do something silly such as switching off a light or not closing the hose tap properly, that relative immediately made a scandal as if the house belonged to him! As I told to a friend of ours once, what we have finally is just a house, but we don’t have a home! Even wherever I was living overseas, it was exactly the same problem, and even now I still feel torn between the fact of living in a house and the fact of living in a home, since my husband and I have different concepts of house and home.

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Previously, I mentioned that the messy part of me comes from my artistic and literary personality, and by coincidence, I found an interesting article regarding a mother who struggled about her daughter always keeping her bedroom messy. That mother tried hard to convince her daughter to keep her bedroom tidy and neat, but it never worked with her daughter. The mother then consulted a clinical psychologist, who opened up her eyes regarding the mess in her daughter’s bedroom, by asking to the mother if her daughter is expressive, laughs, have friends, sings, etc, and all the answers were affirmative. Then, the psychologist told the mother something that made a tilt in my head, I quote:

“She’s exhausted,” Mogel said. “She’s near compulsive about her work and reading her teachers’ minds and her coaches’ minds and she holds herself to the highest of standards. Her room is where she lets go. The one place she lets herself be unfettered and relaxed.”

All true.

“The reason I ask about her friendships and her mood and what her teachers say is because, absolutely, a room can be a sign of a child’s low mood,” Mogel said. “But when I’m sizing up a family, I want the child’s room to be the worst. I’m a little nervous when a room is extremely neat because it can indicate that the child doesn’t have any private space to call her own.”

This was exactly unfortunately the kind of failure I have been passing through during all the years I was living at my parents’ place, since my maniac mother always wanted my room to be clean and neat all the time and kept on always criticizing me when I kept my room messy. The worst was that she kept on interfering too often and without my permission in all my personal matters at such a point that I have been completely deprived from my privacy while being a teenager, since my mother was overprotective, manipulative and always practicing freak control on me. Even now as a married person with one child, I still struggle to find out that part of privacy I am desperately looking for, since I have a true passion for writing, but must always be on my guards so that before my husband comes home, the housekeeping is made, the food is ready, our son already finished his dinner and evening shower, and I also have my own evening shower, even though I haven’t yet had dinner. And before bedtime, the kitchen must always be neat and clean, and I need to make sure that my husband and my child have their clothes washed and iron for work and for school. As a traditional Mauritian wife, it’s a routine to which I had to adapt, but deep inside, it’s very hard and for so many months I have been deprived from my freedom of writing since I was extremely stressed about all the responsibilities waiting for me, not taking the responsibilities on myself as a heavy chore, but rather taking those responsibilities as a burden because of the law of patriarchy that exists within traditional Hindu families such as the one my husband comes from. But the fact that my in-laws live in Mauritius and that we live overseas is a great relief for us, since we experimented the life in Mauritius with them always turning around us, and it was extremely painful. I truly wanted to spend some hours of the morning writing, but I was so stressed that I was unable to express my creativity and instead got distracted with other useless things for wasting my time as a sort of decompression in front of all the pressure in front of me. Such fears accumulated due to the absence of privacy in my own bedroom during my teenage and young adulthood years, and the fact that I have to abide to my husband’s and in-laws’ exigences regarding the cleaning of a house have represented a very huge handicap into my passion and making that blog dormant for months and months.

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The quote that helped me shaking my booty 🙂

But when I recently turned 37 years old, there was a quote I inserted in my new page and which I mentioned above, and that quote then gave me the courage to say STOP. That STOP means STOP to that silly handicap caused by my past trauma with my maniac mother for my messy bedroom, and STOP to the silly fears caused by my fear that my husband only sees mess instead of the other efforts I made in return in other chores. So I decided to shake my booty once for all and restart writing, since it was the only thing I could do as a stress-reliever, a positiveness bringer, a therapy and a way of overcoming a hard day at home with my responsibilities before experiencing a peaceful sleep at night, until it is time for me to wake up and experiment a brand new day. But the fact that I restart writing also helps me much better putting everything in order in my ideas and in my brain, and motivates me again for doing better in my chores and responsibilities with more positiveness for better results. I am feeling blessed that I turned 37 years old and that quote made on me the effect of a real electroshock to affirm myself without neglecting my responsibilities. I keep on repeating to my husband now with more confidence and less fear that I need to write before sleeping, because it’s vital for me and it’s my dream laying in that blog I created. I don’t want to neglect my duties, but I don’t want either to sacrifice my dreams nor at the same time the only “Me” Time I can allow to myself and where I am in total intimacy with myself thanks to my writing. I don’t want to be as neat as my husband, otherwise it wouldn’t be me. I am ready to make an effort and an improvement since I am a devoted housewife and mother and that I need to teach the good example myself to my son, but I also want to have the right to be myself, and only writing can build golden mean between the neat person I need to be because of my family and the messy person I would like to remain since I adopted that trait as a part of my artistic and literary personality, though the trauma of the past with my mother still remains a reason behind it.

ADHD… My daily struggle… My reason of fighting for success!

Hello everyone,

First of all I sincerely apologize for having been absent for such a long moment. I know that it’s been so many months that I haven’t written anything. And what is funny is that I didn’t lack inspiration at all. I had so many ideas, so many interesting subjects to develop and on which I had so much to write and to do researches about. I had discovered so many interesting articles through all my social platforms, through my husband’s Facebook account and through Internet research. I also had a lot of constructive conversations with some of my regular pals and relatives on which I wanted to get inspired to write things. I also found inspiration through some interesting personalities I have had the opportunity to discover via the web and via my social platforms. However, as crazy as it could sound, I haven’t written at all for months. It had nothing to do with the fact that I had a lot of responsibilities to achieve with my family, such as my son’s welfare and education, his scholarship, the time I have to spend with the house chores, cooking and with my family, the holiday plannings we had to go through during my son’s summer holidays, etc. I could very well, in a normal situation, afford all those situations perfectly and find time for myself to keep on completing my blog. But it wasn’t, and to be honest, it’s still not being the case. A couple of weeks later I came to discover that something was wrong with me and that it was time for me to reveal today the dark secret that represents a dangerous boundary to my writing skills and my capacities of using my personal skills, as well for my writing as for my daily responsibilities. And what is crazy is that I didn’t even need to look for a specialist to proceed with an assessment about my actual situation. Some online assessments were more than enough to reveal that dark secret of my personality. I hesitated a lot about revealing it publicly for a very long time. But this morning I had the courage to break the bundles and that heavy silence to reveal it once for all, because I have passed through very tough moments of mental breakdowns and even felt very depressive at times because of that. I also decided today to reveal it openly, because I came to understand that this could be an explanation to my actual situation, and I decided through my projects not to make of it anymore an excuse for letting it go, but as a challenge for myself to recover and to prove to myself and to the whole world that I am stronger than I think and that I can destroy that dark secret since I already have the necessary weapons with me to destroy it. That dark secret is that I suffer from a mental disorder, which I came to discover unfortunately very late in my life, but which started developing through my first years between the middle of my teenage years and the beginning of my adulthood years when I left secondary school, and on which I took conscience of its existence too late and only a couple of months ago: Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, shortly known as ADHD.

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I downloaded an application on my mobile from Google Play, “Aware”, which contains a series of questionnaires about several types of mental disorders that medically exist. I answered to all of them, but what was crazy was that despite the results that I obtained in percentage, the explanations that I obtained through deeper researches didn’t match at all with the results I obtained, since I didn’t recognize myself in any of those mental disorders though I admit I had some symptoms of them. However, only the researches that I made on ADHD perfectly matched with my personal problem. To start, here is the first definition I obtained from that application on my mental situation: ADHD, or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, is a medical condition that affects how well someone can sit still, focus and pay attention. People with ADHD have differences in the parts of their brains that control attention and activity. This means that they may have trouble focusing on some tasks and subjects.

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ADHD was and still is unfortunately the cause behind a series of so many fights that I have had with my husband because of my indiscipline behavior which is actually endangering my marital life and even the example that I am giving to our own child, who is actually suffering with Autism Spectrum Disorder. All started on a specific evening, during which I had a big fight with my husband because we came back home very late from the swimming pool, my son and me, and my husband was very angry at me for not having properly managed the time that I would let my son going to the swimming pool. I tried to keep calm and to reassure him that I was sorry and that I would be more careful next time, whereas in the contrary, I am used to scream a lot and to create a lot of havoc each time that my husband disagrees with me, whether he may be right or wrong. Instead of calming down, my husband continued again and again making moral lessons to me, all this because according to him, he noticed that all the time I repeat that I will be careful, but afterwards, I do all the contrary and I don’t manage my time properly. Another thing on which I am extremely terrified with my husband is that I don’t know whether I should tell him yes and obey, or say no and walk as per my own way. If I say yes, I very often tend to do all the contrary of what he expects from me, because I say yes either because I am afraid of his reactions, or only so that my husband would leave me alone. And if I say no, instead of appreciating my honesty, my husband keeps on being angry after me, and because of that, I don’t know even what to do and I am feeling completely lost. This is what I told him on that famous evening, but he refused to understand, and at a moment, fearing a violent reaction from me again, he went out with our son until things would calm down, leaving me alone with my own thoughts.

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I was having dinner, but my mind was completely absent though I was physically there. I could hear a soft voice talking to me in my mind. That gentle voice sounded like a female voice, which was as kind, soft and sweet as an angel’s voice. This voice was reassuring me that, compared to 12 years ago when I just got married, I have made a lot of progresses in life, since I am now able to manage the household, the house chores, my involvement into my child’s education including his extra activities and socialization, cooking good food, writing lots of strong material, cultivating myself etc. However, that voice confirmed that there was a big mental disorder within me and that I had to urgently follow a therapy, because it was a disorder which was unfortunately disturbing a lot of things within me and badly disturbing the marital relationship I cultivate with my husband since 12 years and with my child since 6 years.

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A couple of years ago, when I still had a Facebook account, there was a Moroccan pal on my Facebook list who mentioned to me that she was suffering with ADHD. I didn’t really pay attention to her disease and thought that it didn’t concern me. But when I did some researches about that disorder, even though I started having some doubts a couple of months ago that I could be concerned about ADHD too, almost all the symptoms which were described in that disorder confirmed exactly what I feared… And yes, the results of my researches proved them all: I have ADHD and at a quite high level as it covers almost all the symptoms that I actually am suffering from!

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When my husband and my son came home, I burst in tears and I mentioned to them the nature of my problem, which was something that I suspected suffering from since a couple of months, but for which I didn’t really pay attention. Either I didn’t want to accept that I had the problem, or I accepted that I had the problem but I feared any negative reaction from my husband, especially misunderstanding. And effectively, my husband refused to believe me and I begged him to pay attention to the symptoms, through some articles that I have shared with him, and which I hope he will find time to read during his day. Today unfortunately, my husband still ignores the symptoms since he didn’t have time to consult the articles that I shared with him, and which make that I need to talk about my symptoms with him myself. However he believes in me now that he knows that I am really suffering but unfortunately he cannot do anything for me. The trouble also is that here, the treatments are very expensive and are not covered by the insurance, which makes that I need to deal with it on my own.

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Here are the difficulties I face everyday and which represent signs that I have ADHD, and which are within my personality:

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Follow directions: I agree because I have a very weak sense of orientation wherever I go and I get easily lost, especially in big spaces like big shopping malls. One day in South Africa, while I was on holidays with my folks and my husband, and some other days in shopping malls here, I got lost since I don’t have the sense of orientation. But the latest episode was the worst one! On that day I was mentally very down after my husband and I got extremely angry against our young son, who misbehaved a lot on that day at the shopping mall. We stopped at a cafe for a hot drink before going back to our car with our shopping bags, but at a moment my husband asked my son to come with him until I would finish my hot drink. I saw them going away, but I cannot understand what could have happened in my mind on that day, since I didn’t even pay attention wherever they were going. I was no more sure if they were going to the parking or somewhere else and I retrieved myself in a big moment of confusion and total loss. The worst was that I didn’t have any communication facility with me since my mobile battery was completely down, as I forgot to recharge it before leaving the house. At a moment my husband and my son were totally out of sight and the first thing that came out of my mind was that maybe they were on their way to the parking. As we always park our car to the same location all the time, I could easily find my way to the car. But at my biggest surprise, they were not there and then I started to panic heavily! I came back on my footsteps and begged a staff from a furniture shop to lend me his mobile number since I needed to call my husband in emergency. He dialed my husband’s number and then I could contact him. By coincidence my husband also was panicking since he didn’t find me, and asked me with a panicking voice where I was. Then when I explained him my location he asked me not to move from my actual location and to wait for him. Then, when he got closer he called me back on the gentleman’s mobile number and then I joined him. We were all reassured to retrieve each other and I explained him in which state of mind I was and how my son’s misbehavior stressed me to the core.

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Remember information: Yes, so many times I forget a lot of essential things, and I must always note them down to remember them properly. I noticed that when I make a planning such as the list of stuffs to buy at the groceries, or the dates I menstruated or forgot to take some pills, etc, I feel better organized than when I use only my head. But I tend to plan things only on specific days or for specific events or lists to do only and it really works. But when it comes on ordinary routine days I never feel the motivation to do it and it unfortunately plays against me.

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Concentrate: Yes I easily get distracted and face huge problems of concentration, however it may be in my chores and daily do’s, or with music. I can be easily distracted when I hear again and again my favorite song or watch my favorite movie or serial on laptop or TV, and also it’s dangerous since I don’t care whether there is my son waiting for me or, even though it almost didn’t happen in the past, forgetting something being cooked on the oven! I also get very easily distracted when I see babies in front of me.

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Organize tasks: Yes I am extremely disorganized, I admit it. I include too many “dead times” in my agenda because I don’t know why, but I LOVE wasting time with social networking, with doing researches on the internet, with reading and writing, which represent a passion for me that I cannot help but cultivating. It became a drug for me since it’s my biggest refuge where I forget all my problems and overcome all my sorrows much better, including when I write constructive emails with my best friend, who is a British French author, writer, traveler and coach whom I acknowledged on LinkedIn. Also, my house chores, looking after my son, cooking food, all the tasks that any responsible housewife and mother should do, turns now into a nightmare for me, because I don’t want to do those chores and want to be totally free! Yes I know it sounds weird, but this is the impression I always had.

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Finish work on time: Yes I have difficulties finishing work on time, for the same reasons regarding concentration and organization problems that I face everyday, and I very often tend to finish all my tasks at the last minute before my husband comes home or before I go out with my son to the shopping mall or to the swimming pool. When I finish my tasks early, I feel strange because this is not me, and when I finish my task late, I feel stressed and guilty, because in reality, I don’t do my daily chores with pleasure, but rather with fear of facing an avalanche of reproaches and sarcastic remarks from my husband, who is straight-minded, down to earth and extremely well organized, all the contrary of me who is messy, forgetful and dreamy…
The article that I found also lists a series of challenges that I have to face with Adult ADHD:

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Anxiety: Yes, I am all the time anxious, because my anxiety mostly refers to all the traumatic experiences I have been having with my family, in-laws, in my marriage, in society, in the work environment and with a lot of fake friends who abused of me.

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Chronic boredom: Yes I admit it, I get bored very easily when I see that I face situations which are starting to become repetitive too often. I am actually bored because all my days are all the same with the chores, cooking, visiting the same places, travelling in the same countries all the time between Mauritius and France because of my husband’s family, meeting all the time the same people, etc. I have right now within me that anger for constant change and for discovering new things and that is why I am bored in life.

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Chronic lateness and forgetfulness: This confirms exactly the same problem I mentioned previously regarding my problems of concentration, organization and having my tasks finished on time. I always have the temptation about finishing everything at the very last hour and at the end I feel unsatisfied for having lost so much time uselessly, thinking that the next day it would be better. Unfortunately it restarts again and again and I don’t know what to do.

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Depression: Yes. I have faced very severe depression, especially in 2003 when I had faced a very bad working experience with one of my ex-bosses who was an asshole. I faced the same problem in 2007 further to a huge fight between my parents and my in-laws, and which still remains unsolved and forced me to cut total contact with my parents, even though my parents had unfortunately a part of right which I had to accept within the time. I also faced the same problem in 2011 after the birth of my unique child, since I have been suffering from post natal depression and have been raising my child in a very insane environment at my in-laws place, where I was all the time bullied and mistreated by all my in-laws and by even my husband and some of our closest friends who unfortunately gave me up in those moments where I needed them the most.

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Trouble concentrating while reading: Yes so many times it happened to me, especially if my mind was elsewhere than with my book reading or while I am writing, for example in situations where my son was with me and that I had to have an eye on him, for example at the swimming pool or at the playroom in the shopping mall.

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Trouble controlling anger: It started especially in 2014 while I was still in Seychelles, since I started breaking years and years of silent suffering caused by the brutal separation between my parents and my in-laws, the injustice that I had to face because of that separation, the bullying I faced with my in-laws because of my parents, the discrimination they were doing by starting to favor my sister-in-law and rejecting me because of my parents, finding my sister-in-law the perfect daughter-in-law of the family and me the incomplete one, dis-balance in my marriage life since we came back from the peaceful life we were living in Madagascar and retrieved ourselves into a huge tornado when we came back to Mauritius further to the socio political crisis of 2009 with problems of re-adaptation, family pressure from both sides since I was not talking to my mother anymore, over-pressure from my in-laws who were extremely exigent with me since I had no experience as a housewife, medical treatments I was following to be pregnant and to fight against severe endometriosis to be able to infant, the trauma of the experience I had with my in-laws after my son was born, the numerous times that my in-laws interfered, and this I admit with my own consent since I was so stupid and naive during that period, between me and my son, depriving me of my right to be a mother, 8 changes of home, 3 changes of countries and culture, difficulties to cope with my son’s education, the big aggressiveness that started developing within me and which didn’t exist in the past in my temperament, where very often I lost my temper and started screaming like a wild animal when I was angry, until it traumatized my poor little son, and for crowning the whole story, my poor child starting to develop signs of Autism Spectrum Disorder and who was diagnosed when we arrived in our new homeland! But to be honest, I arrived at a point where I didn’t want to overcome my anger because I have been controlling my angers for a too long time. I still have that angry demon within me who wants to rebel and to push me destroying my enemies in the same way Hindu Goddess Kali does to destroy enmity. But little by little I am slowly learning that anger will never change anything apart making things worse and making me stooping lower.

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Problems at work: The trouble was that I had to start working when I came back to Mauritius. I never wanted to do any studies in the tertiary sector. I wanted to have full academic qualifications in Literature and creative writing. Unfortunately, after I finished the Brevet des Colleges in 1995, my level started degrading, and the biggest factor behind it was my mother, who was over-pressurizing me a lot in my home work and who was bullying and terrorizing me a lot, at such a point that I started loosing confidence within my own capacities and doubting a lot about myself because of her. When I finished the Brevet des Colleges, I started a new school year named Seconde Amenagee, which is a special program on 2 years for students facing school difficulties. As from that moment, I had the courage to tell my mother that I didn’t want her anymore to help me in my homework and that I will manage alone. Unfortunately, when I finished my Seconde Amenagee, I had choices only with doing a Baccalaureate Action et Communication Commerciale, or a Baccalaureat Comptabilite et Gestion, and I chose the second option. Unfortunately, when I started my Premiere, I had to repeat it again because I had difficulties with the Comptabilite et Gestion and started too late taking tuitions with a school teacher. But when I repeated the class, then I continued my tuition with her for the two forthcoming years and that was of great help for me, even though I only had the mention “Satisfactory” for my Baccalaureate. I continued also studying as I applied for a BTS Assistant de Gestion PME PMI in Mauritius, since I didn’t want to leave the country to go to France. I was scared to go to France, since my godmother, who was also my patriarchal half-sister, went to study medicine there, but was bullied so much by my matriarchal family who was living in France that she couldn’t survive the overpressure and she died at only 26 years old after having been graduated and after having been engaged to a French doctor there. Moreover, my mother was obsessed by having me married to a French guy since she was always obsessed with White people and fair skinned people, and God knows how I succeeded into resisting to all that pressure though very often I cried alone in my room and was extremely nervous and even turned anorexic. My marriage with my husband unfortunately didn’t arrange anything since my husband never matched with the kind of son-in-law my mother wanted to have in her life, as he didn’t satisfy her ego at all. And when I was in Madagascar, even though the Malagasy work environment was based mostly on the French curriculum, and though I could obtained my BTS though my average note for the final exam was 10 out of 20, which represented the big minimum I could obtain for obtaining my BTS, I had a lot of difficulties to assume my professional capacities, and my working competence was average in some sectors, and very poor and unproductive in some other sectors which I failed into understanding. Also I completely stopped working for that company though I was at home doing some administrative tasks for a friend, and I involved myself in Mauritius into a very dishonest chain of distribution for which I have lost a lot of money. My professional experience unfortunately was very unsuccessful even though my colleagues appreciated a lot my personality, and with a lot of retreat, I came to understand that I was never made for that kind of job, but that my job was much more for literature and creative writing. I am taking all my chances with me to restart everything from scratch, but it’s hard for me to do so with a child and a household under my responsibility and I fail into knowing how to manage my time and fight against ADHD.

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Impulsiveness: Same problem as for trouble controlling anger, since all the anger that I have been containing after so many years of silence is already emerging from me. But that image that I added attracted my attention for its subtitle “The good, the bad and the awesome”. How could impulsiveness be something good, bad and awesome at the same time? I was then referred to an article linked with that picture, where the author of that article related about an impulsiveness experience that he had lived. He judged impulsiveness as something “Good” first, since it’s a possibility for one individual to express enthusiasm when he or she has new ideas being structured. Impulsiveness can also be bad since it’s impossible to stick on the same things all the time when you work on a project or when you plan something for your own or with your loved ones. And this happened to me and is still happening to me so many times. The trouble with me is that I hate when plans made together change every 5 minutes and unexpectedly. This was exactly what happened each time that I planned to meet my best friend a couple of months ago in Paris, since my husband’s uncle and my son were constantly making us changing our plans, my uncle due to unexpected events which he tended to impose on our schedule, and my son due to his childish behaviour and requests. When it comes on such unexpected stuffs coming from other people I can feel extremely irritated and pissed off, since I hate last minute changes and always failed to deal with them calmly. But when it comes about unexpected changes coming directly from me, then I am more flexible and tolerant. Finally, as the author said, impulsiveness can be something awesome, and for this we have to make it awesome ourselves. In his article, the author gave some interesting advice based on his motto that he shared with us: we use the good, cut out the bad, and therefore make it awesome.

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Low tolerance for frustration: I never really knew what it meant until I saw the explanation above, but yes definitely, I am somebody very frustrated with my own life when I think about all the failures I accumulated, the big mistakes that I did in my life, the numerous times I failed into taking opportunities which were presented in front of me because I was afraid or couldn’t afford them, the numerous failures I faced with my insane parents, my insane family and with some of my in-laws, but which suddenly turned into a will for me to restart everything from scratch for better succeeding in life and being happy doing a career that I want to do and which would allow me finding a better balance in my life.

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Low self-esteem: Yes, for the same reasons as for low tolerance and frustration, and so many times I really hate myself for what I am, for having become what others want me to be and for not being what I really wanted to become. And yet, so many times I feel that I am awesome and wonderful, and so many times I tried to fall again in love with myself. But those moments never happened in reality but only in my imagination. I imagined myself in front of my mirror as a successful writer in prom dress receiving a prize for her best sellers. I very often imagined myself as a talented musician, since I always cultivated passion for percussion and violin, and dressed all in red, my favorite color. I imagined myself also as a rock singer in black leather boots and sexy mini dress, singing with a cymbal in my hand in front of so many of my loved ones. But when reality comes back into my mind, I feel completely different, stupid and ugly, though I know that I have so many skills to shine in my life. This low self-esteem unfortunately is a result from my tumultuous past because of my parents, who never saw the best in me, who always saw the ugly in me and who were narcissistic, egocentric sociopaths who raised me as a golden child and thanks to whom I always have the feeling of being a huge failure for everyone, starting with myself and my little family. If you want to have a clue of what a golden child is, here is a picture below, and which proves that being a golden child is NOT a position to envy and that it’s a very difficult family educational disorder from which you can recover:

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Mood swings: Yes, I have very often mood swings, since I can be very happy and in a fraction of second I can turn to be like hell, or extremely peevish without any concrete reason.

Poor organization skills: Same thing as I said previously with problems of concentration and organization.

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Procrastination and self-harm: I do it since I am a child, by biting and breaking my nails and finger skin very regularly. But this is not all of it. I tend to waste a lot of time and always have the impression that all what I am doing is lasting for an eternity, including tasks that I can do only within 5 minutes. I also face stress disorder, because I always feel pressurized by my husband and still feel the effect of the over-pressure that I have passed through with my parents and even with my in-laws even though things changed drastically and improved by my side, and even though I live on my own with my husband and my son. I admit that I think about too many things at the same time and in a very disordered way, and that I often feel lack of energy for doing the most simple things in life. I admit that I have big trouble in focusing on the most important aspects of my life and for the welfare of my child. Finally, I admit that I very often face muscle tensions, especially at the shoulders during the massage sessions, and sometimes have headache. I admit that I cover all those ADHD symptoms regarding procastination, such as Daydreaming since I love dreaming a lot and have a huge sense of imagination as an aspiring writer to be. I accept that I very often tend to forget or to loose things without even realizing it when it comes on loosing things. It recently happened since I never retrieved a book bag belonging to my son, which made that I had to pay a penalty with the school library, since the book bag contained two library books that my son borrowed from there. It also happened that a new pink shirt that my husband bought in shopping mall a couple of months ago after our settlement in my new homeland, and which I never washed before, completely disappeared without me realizing it. Yes I admit that I make a lot of careless mistakes or take unsafe risks. An example of taking unsafe risks is that I very often let my son pedaling his bicycle on the edge of the road even though there are cars coming and going, and even though I always have a close eye on him. Another example that I do careless mistakes is that I repetitively, and very often on purpose I admit it, never have the notion of time when I go out with my son, or that I always use the wrong cloth to clean the kitchen, since I take the cloth used to dry the dishes instead of a cleaning cloth! Squirming, I don’t know whether I used to squirm, but I very often talk alone and have flappy hands and fingers when I turn nervous. Fidgeting, however, happens to me very often with my hair or with my fingers. I also faced some symptoms of depression so many times, where I wanted to commit suicide or to die. It happened at so many moments of my life where I was deeply desperate with myself and wanted to put an end to my life to meet my deceased half-sister in another world… I even remember that one year after the big fight between my parents and my in-laws, I wanted to put an end in my life by jumping from upstairs when I arrived at my office, and my husband was unable to understand what was really happening to me. I very often also had appetite and weight loss, which turned into anorexia, especially when I was in Madagascar during a period I was deeply down after the fight between my parents and my in-laws, several years which followed my son’s birth while I was in Seychelles, during which my husband and I were having a lot of fights and that my in-laws were over-invading our house with their visits and caprices, especially my father in law and my husband’s uncle from Paris, who is a very possessive and emotionally vampire person, despite all the good qualities that he has shown such as a generous and hardworking person. Finally, even though I am convinced to have ADHD, I also have some symptoms related with OCD, mostly overthinking about bad memories from my past life experiences, which usually take a lot of time for me to forget and which affect me a lot physically and morally. For example, it took me 10 years to overcome the impossibility of the reconciliation between my parents and my in-laws, and I still have never overcome my very first heartbreak that I experimented at 16 years old, even though 20 years elapsed after it happened!

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Relationship problems: I have been lucky to have someone who is straight minded, down to earth, discipline and hardworking in life… Unfortunately I still feel there is a wall separating the both of us because there are too many differences between us which makes that there is no possibility to create a Just Middle between us to better hang up with each other. Because of that, I always have the feeling that I must always show a face of myself that my husband wants me to have and that I don’t feel free to be whatever I would like to be because my husband never accepted me the way I AM, but wanted me to be the way he and his family wanted me to be. I have also had too many breakups, because my choices never matched with my mother’s choices and I suffered from a very brutal breakup with my ex because he was widely influenced by his father since his father disliked my European style and the fact that I used to speak French, which was never tolerated in their family. After one month of breakup only that I decided to marry my actual husband.

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Substance abuse or addiction: Yes, I am extremely addicted with sugar that I put in my tea or coffee, because I was told by an ex-colleague that when you consume sweet things, it’s because you are sad and that you are desperately looking for a way to find re-comfort into sweetness. I dislike cigarette though, and only now started developing taste for alcohol, but yet I still control myself since on cigarette and alcohol, my father succeeded into never letting me involved in them, especially alcohol, maybe because he knows that my mother is alcoholic and that he cannot control her. I have also been addicted to Facebook at such a point that I was neglecting my family. I won’t say that my addiction stopped because I keep on borrowing my husband’s mobile to surf on his Facebook account as if it was mine, since we have some contacts in common and some interests in common which feature on his Facebook account. However, I am very addicted with Social Platforms, and even with Literature and Creative Writing. I am dying with curiosity for discovering new things of life and developing myself. And on that kind of addiction I don’t want to change.

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Low motivation: Yes, so many times, especially when I am stuck into a daily and boring routine in my life, like as I mentioned before. I am also fed up with the trips that we do because my husband always chose Mauritius and France as the only destinations where we traveled, whereas there are so many options and at cheaper prices that we could take. I complained about it with him so many times, but he just told me that his financial situation couldn’t allow him going in other destinations, but that as soon as his situation would improve we could visit something else. Personally I don’t believe him, because there are opportunities which are waiting for us. Maybe also it’s his lack of geographic knowledge which makes him talking like that, and for that I admit I need to help him since I have deeper geographic knowledge.

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PROBLEMS AT SCHOOL: I did very well at school when I was in Primary School but things started changing after I took part at the Brevet des Colleges. Even though I was doing well at school, unfortunately I was terrorized and over-pressurized by my mother, who never had faith in my capacities and who always underestimated me with her excessive discipline and obsession of making me over-passing myself. As I said before, even though I stopped having my mother with me, the fact that she over-pressurized me had some severe consequences on my concentration problems, not only for my studies, but even for the rest of my life. Unfortunately things got worse when I got married due to too much pressure from my husband and my in-laws, who are all extremely maniac when it comes on hygiene, discipline and hard work, since they still have the scars of the poverty in which they have been growing up, and from which they never recovered. And the fact that I come from a rich family unfortunately didn’t arrange things, despite all the efforts that I had to overdo to be accepted in the family and by my husband. The fact that I had to build a personality to please others instead of pleasing myself makes me extremely unhappy and uncomfortable. As well as I was raised as a golden child at home, in another hand I was severely bullied at school especially during my primary years and a part of my secondary years, because I was all the time quiet, lonely and never involved in anyone’s games. I was never dropped out from school nor university, but I interrupted my studies for my E-Commerce License since I was completely lost in most of the subjects and had no basics in computer science, and as I mentioned before, I repeated my Premiere and before that, I had to make a Seconde Amenagee which distanced me from my Baccalaureate orientation completely. I wanted to add also that I have unfortunately been bullied and discouraged by a pupil who never wanted me to do a Literary Baccalaureate, pretending that I would never know how to assimilate my languages properly! Another one once even mocked me when I said I wanted to do Action et Communication Commerciale or Comptabilite et Gestion, which both represented branches from the field Sciences et Technologies Tertiaires. I still remember the mocking that he did over me, and unfortunately his mocking brought negative fruits as I doubted a lot on myself and felt that I wasn’t made for that kind of job. I was always shy and lonely and had a lot of difficulties to make strong friendship bonds with the other pupils of the class who wanted to approach me. I was subject to so many fake rumors about me, that I was mentally delayed or disturbed, something like that. I never was dropped out from school, but I once escaped from school for meeting my boyfriend of that period, a guy whom my parents disagreed with and whom I had been having a secret relationship with for about 2 years, until I decided to put an end to it as it would never work between us.

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–  I admit that I changed jobs and had poor performance at work during the few times that I was working for other companies. But the most catastrophic working experience, which maybe is the cause I couldn’t cope with work environment anymore in addition of my average exam results, is the 2 month experience I had in the HR Department of a Printing and Packaging company, when I was working as a HR Assistant cum Secretary. After 2 months and so many fights and bullying from my dominating boss, I resigned with all my anger and did a very catastrophic signing with an ex colleague, and I was diagnosed anxiety depression by the doctor of the company. My HR Manager menaced me since I gave my complaint and resignation letter directly to the General Manager without passing by him, and two weeks later he replied to me in a very menacing and arrogant way to scare me… But Karma turned against him, since he was fired from the company further to a very serious professional mistake he was accused of. My working environment in Mauritius in general was horrible, mostly because of the Mauritian mentality, with which I couldn’t cope at all. Mine in Madagascar was rather good as long as it consisted into administrative tasks, but I was completely null in Logistics. When I completely left the working environment, then I realized that I wanted to become a writer.

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– As I don’t drive I never had speeding tickets, license suspended nor was involved in more crashes. However, it took me 7 temptations to get my driving license, and I didn’t obtain it with my own efforts, but instead I obtained it thanks to my ex-boyfriend, who bribed a policeman he knew very well to help me passing my license! But karma once more turned against me, because I didn’t deserve that license as it was obtained with bribe, even though my ex boyfriend did it with a good intention for me. Because of that bribe, God punished me and I cannot drive anymore. I don’t smoke cigarettes since I never could stood tobacco, I was never addicted to drugs, but I merely started drinking, and I am rather addicted with social networking on my mobile and with sugar. Yes, I have less money, and to be honest, I have no more money. I am completely ruined, since I spent a lot of money uselessly by buying all sorts of rubbish and getting memberships for all sort of online job platforms, within my desperate obsession for freedom and for preserving my dignity, an obsession that I still have within me as I don’t want to depend on my husband anymore financially. Finally I admit, that I really have a lot of psychological trouble as I got very often depressed and anxious, and I even had so many nightmares during my sleep.

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– There are a lot of other things on which I wrote so many things in the past as they affected me a lot, but I will never mention about them anymore, since I was wisely and toughly advised by some good and loyal people I have been lucky to meet in life to put a big cross on those chains of the past, not only because it was painful for me to keep those chains alive for myself, but also because it was very uncomfortable for my readers, my family and my surroundings to read so many crude things, since they could be fatal for me in the meaning that anyone could bully me in return for having had the courage of spreading the truth about them, and that it could also affect me and my family in the future. It was very hard for me to accept this, but I accepted removing all those blog posts since they could be fatal for me in the future and even attract a lot of hateful and disturbing opinions and comments on me, for which I admit I wouldn’t be strong enough to face nor to fight against. But only one thing though that I would like to share and that a friend of mine once told me: Your parents are your very first prints in your life. If they are good prints, you will grow up good, if they are bad prints, you will survive with those bad prints all your life. Unfortunately I belong to the second sad category of children and it’s very hard for me today to rise again as I still carry so many heavy scars in me. As I told my husband, you can have a loveable husband, many loyal friends or therapists who will advise you and help you rebuilding yourself, but they will never replace the essence of life that your parents are supposed to bring in you, and you will always feel incomplete because your parents never brought in you that essence of life. This is exactly what I am myself actually facing.

Unfortunately, since therapies here are expensive and not covered by insurance, and since there are lots of shadows from my past that I don’t want to unveil anymore and that I removed away from my blog forever, I prefer not following any therapies. The fact that I could break that silence already consists into a big therapy for me, and I hope that through my experience, I will be able to inspire other people suffering with ADHD like me to have the courage to express themselves. I also took a lot of time to understand one important thing, which is that ADHD can be an explanation in bad life management, but should not be an excuse. I hope that after I wrote all those words and confessions, I will be able to stand up again and to overcome that mental disorder bravely, even though I need to do it alone, and for which I don’t loose hope, though at times I can be morally down or fed up.

Jo March and Proofreading

Click here to see the final scene from movie “Little Women”, where Jo March’s latest book is published 🙂

When I started writing for FanStory, I never imagined I would receive so much criticism regarding the poor quality of my proofreading, spelling and grammar. As most of you may have noticed, English is my second language, which I started learning only at the age of eight. My English is at school level only, which is why my literary English is poor.

I never cared about the importance of proofreading, spelling and grammar when I started writing for FanStory, until the negative but constructive criticisms accumulated in my inbox. Some of my readers even mentioned frankly that, because of the problems I face while writing in English, they didn’t always understand the message in my stories, and they even became confused when reading them.

My aim, at first, was to compose something sincere from the heart for my readers, and not something perfectly written, which would have sounded superficial and hypocritical. I was inspired by the character of Jo March from the best-selling novel, Little Women. She was the second child and daughter of a four-child family, whose father, Dr March, was hospitalised for a long period of illness.

Jo March always dreamt of becoming a famous writer, but her beginnings were very poor. Her first book took four years to prepare. But following a fight with her younger sister Amy, Amy took her book and threw it in the fire burning in their living room fireplace! Jo held a grudge against Amy for days, but finally forgave her after an accident she had while playing in the snow, from which Jo rescued her.

Her second book was a total failure, though it was perfectly written, because the story was superficial and made no sense.

But her dream came true after her younger sister Beth passed away, following a long period of illness. Jo’s heart was so deeply touched by Beth’s death that her words flooded from her heart through her pen and onto the paper, after Jo had looked through some of Beth’s personal belongings, which she secretly kept in her personal trunk. Beth was the most neglected child of the family, as no one cared about her or about her dreams. She lived in her own world in total silence, until she contracted a high fever and suffered until her last breath. Through Beth’s personal belongings, Jo discovered who Beth really was, and she then wrote a new book with the voice of her heart, especially dedicated to all her sisters, especially Beth. Jo’s new book was named Little Women.

She gave the book to her editor and, for the first time, the book was edited. Her editor assured her that the book would become a best seller, because Jo was totally sincere in her story. All the words came from the voice of her heart.

Thanks to Jo March, I found inspiration to become a writer. She inspired me through her sincerity and truth. I used sincerity and truth as my main weapons to create my own space in creative writing, thinking it would be enough to convince the reader. Unfortunately, I was wrong.

I didn’t realize that Jo March, even though she wrote with her heart, also had excellent spelling and grammar, which complimented the sincerity of her story. I didn’t realize that I was focussing only on my little person, instead of putting myself in the place of my readers, without caring whether they would be comfortable or stressed by my writing skills, or whether they would understand the story and become involved in it.

Today, thanks to my readers’ criticisms, I have learnt my lesson and realise the importance of proofreading in literature and creative writing. Thanks to my critics, I opened my eyes again and came back to reality. Though he’s helping me, I must also help him and do my own part. Through this, I will really improve my literary English level and be more widely read and promoted. It will also be a step ahead for me. Maybe also, depending how much free time I have since my young son is now solarized, I will be able to consecrate more time to reading more English language books, and perhaps even take some literary English lessons to improve my level, and save money by doing my own proofreading.

I don’t want to end this short essay without thanking all my readers for their precious advice and for opening my eyes to the importance of proofreading, and for helping me understand that proofreading will never endanger the sincerity and true shape of my stories, poems and books, but will make those shapes clearer, leading to a better understanding of each story and a better appreciation of it at the emotional level.